Back to
Barmy to
the Spire

What's all this barmy stuff?
About

Want to find out what has been forgotten in the Styx?
Archives

Not enough barminess for you?
Features

Barmy to the Spire

 

Second Low of Accordant

February 13th, 2000

 

Monster of Little Bedtime Legend
by Jeremiah Golden

Legends of people going forth and bopping slobbery monsters on the head and valiant violent attempts to nick someone's fleece and so on are all good and well, but as we barmies sit in our cells nibbling at spongy pillows and trying to go to sleep via the sound of a quartet of screams in tenor there's nothing like a nice little bedtime legend to leave us  playing among the silver cords and counting fluffy sheep. As we slowly nod off drooling on our pillows and our mad dreams are filled with whirling mint turtles and chocolate ducks, it brings to mind a little bedtime story itself, the tale of the true origins of all those things that go bump and howl in the night, the Monsters of little bedtime Legends.

"e's swobering on my pillow agian! A big zvinx is gonna et 'em, 'e will!"
- Pug, an orphan at the Gatehouse 

All types of monsters are said to have a archetype creature of barmily legendary proportions, a mum to them all so to speak, that was the first of their kind to pop into existence. Chant has it these creatures are larger, practically infinitely infinitely huge they say, lumbering beats that have a squint that'd make any child want to scream on the ground and confess they didn't eat out of the theoretical cookie jar of the powers, but it doesn't take a barmy to figure out that's the barmiest theory ever. They have it backwards, as you don't need something really big to spawn a whole generation of monstrous things, just look at  looming pine trees and little acorns, or giant snapping turtles and tiny green spotted eggs. On the infinite planes size really doesn't matter, and the reason no one has found these true monsters of legend is because they're really small. And when they do find them, the small, cute, little fluffy, adorable creatures never make it in to legends of battles and history, but into the bedtime stories of children.

"Haha! I see the tail of the ferocious legendary Hydra of Infinite Heads of the Lands of Out! Come forth evil beast and meet your doo... um.... um... Your sodding tiny! Why's he sodding tiny?"
- Gunthgur, planewalker adventurer

The bedtime monsters can be easily imagined and painted inside a bonebox by picturing a monster such as the ferocious Chimera, and then concentrating hard as you imagine it being smaller in the swirling emptiness of your mind. Or, just imagine it next to a happy drunken dwarf that's bigger then it. Our bedtime Chimera is no bigger then a little kitty, has a small salamander head that's drooling all over it's nice shiny coat, and the wings of a small frumpy bat. But of course the changes are not just fluff deep, the creatures size making it somewhat weaker, but what evil person would attack the cute whittle thing? (Consider it's charisma a number best based as exponential, or acutely cute). Also, the powers of our little Chimera are also affected, it's ferocious clawing and fiery breath instead censored for the more humorous and pleasing ability for the creature to widdle on your foot. And if you thought a power sending a giant ferocious giant chimera after you was trouble, you don't realize that a truly evil power would give you a little cute bedtime Chimera and make you feed all the heads with a bottle as they try to playfully bite your ears off.

 

Last Week's Chant

All content copyright 2000 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.