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Barmy to the Spire

 

Third Hive of Tithing

May 19th, 1999

 

Barmy Spotlight of the Week
Seamusxanthuszenus

From: Uncaged: Faces of Sigil, page 92
About: Seamus is the barmy dust mephit who after finding the shopkeeper he was sent to irritate and annoy was already mercifully in the deadbook, decided that being a merchant himself would be a fine idea. A pet shop to start (now though the best pet shop in the Cage is Baatezu Bunnies and other Beasts, on appropriately enough, Barmy Run in the Hive), it soon turned to Parts & Pieces when some more ink splatters got added to the deadbook when Seamus forgot that animals need food (I wonder what happened to the food though, you know lots of carrots lieing in the storage room, you'd think someone would make the connection eh?). The only animals still alive in fact were a couple earth grues, who had survived off the shop's cash box. Now the mephit is taken as if he owned the shop his entire life (which, he has) and everyone seems to like him, (The previous owner being a rutterkin, you have to admit at least Seamus doesn't smell) especially since he tends to barter or lower prices as the whim takes him.
Barmyness: He runs a shop that sells bits of other things, changes his selling practices more then a xaositect, and well, he's a mephit. Their all barmy.
Quote: "I never bart... Get off my leg you bloody earth grue! Rats, now, would you like that albino snake skin in a sack or box?"
Likes: Shiny toys that aren't digestible by bothersome earth grues. Bartering with customers. Significant bits that fall off by themselves.
Dislikes: Taking a bath, especially in his purple robe. Bartering with Customers. People calling him by "That mephit with the hat" and not using all his titles.

Barmy Bonus:
Barmy Barter (20 - Int)
This proficiency allows a person to sell someone else something they don't want, by totally confusing the situation. This usually involves flashing the object in question around allot, saying how they really need it, and yelling that you always, or don't, barter. This skill has spread allot throughout the cage, mostly by using it to barter others into thinking they really need to learn it, for a pile of jink of course. It once spread throughout the entire Bleaker ward, the barmys all trading there bedding for a new economy of rat tails, and the weird part being, some of them managed to buy half the cage from a visiting fated tax collector (now recently committed to the asylum).

 

Third Guild of Tithing

May 17th, 1999

 

Sitting here in a little room after waking up outside Curst, waiting for whoever dragged me off to stop cackling on the other side of the door and come see me, I find I'm homesick for the Spire. Why, the times I spent laying on the the grass with the butterflies on my head, and watching the Brain Storms float past...

Brain Storm

"So there me and that sod Blray, who says cause hes a stinking goat man he cant share his bottle of drink, doing what we do every day in this sodden tiny village in the shadow of the bloody spire, which is get drunk, when all of the sudden all the hair on me goaty friend here stand up on end. Barmyest thing I'd seen all year. But then, there's this fog appearing in the distance, blocking out the site of the bloody spire, which never happens around these parts. And then suddenly I start getting these ideas in my head, and I shout "Cor! I've got a grand idear" and then everyone's running around saying they have an idea. Fogs been here a bloomin week now, everyone still running around saying they have an idea, bloody fun really, though the occasional brain matter ooze falling from the sky does get on yur nerves."
- Airy Cleffer, Indep

"My brethren, I fear our esteemed power Ilsensine has gone to far. Creating these 'Brain Storms' to scour the Outlands, and use, yes use, not eat or assimilate human brains to its need, but actually use them in forming its plots and goals through the mind of these villagers! And when its done its work, it lets them return to there daily lives so that it can come back next week! But what's far worse, is these ideas these storms have returned, "Turn the blood war to are use by handing out lolly pops to the fiends" and "bend the Lady to are will by sending her a complimentary set of knife sharpeners"? These ideas are ludicrous, and a dishonor to the minds that have been used to create these storms..."
- Beginning speech of the Illithiad Nkl'ar, recently honored with joining the brain pool.

The Brain Storm, also known as the Thought Fog, Barmy Winds, Wit Weather, or Cerebrum Cyclone, is one of the newest creation of the brain god Ilsensine. Designed around the concept that mortals occasionally have bright ideas, the storm visits certain small villages on the Outlands (It's one attempt at taking a gatetown, Xaos, only ended up giving the inhabitants a slight headache, and the storm had rains of frogs for weeks), and for up to a week psychically contacts all the minds in the villages to find new plots and tactics for Ilsensine to gain in power. Up to now, the plots gathered have not been feasibly successful, though the fiends did say they enjoyed the candy before they ate all of the Illithiads handing it out. Ilsensine still hopes for that one idea in a million though, and the Brain Storms do give somewhat reliable reports on what's happening on the Outlands.

The Storms appear as medium sized banks of fog, usually only about 300 feet in diameter, just enough to encompass a small village. From a distance its a deep gray with the occasional flicker of pink within, and up close within the cloud itself, it appears as a light fog with the occasional whole brain or gray ooze matter falling out of the sky, and usually bouncing back up to the cloud. The area within the cloud is usually hot, with a large amount of static in the air. Those unlucky enough to get caught in a storm usually don't notice this anyway, as they usually have more important things on their mind, like how an army of giant squids could invade Set's temple.

 

Third Lady of Tithing

May 15th, 1999

 

Barmys, as can seen by this site, are good for society, causing cheerful anecdotes and giving everyone a person to laugh at. But, when you have a barmy wizard, trouble can be wrought, important people getting turned into frogs or blasted where-there-bits-land-in-other-planes. A perfect example of a barmy wizard going to far, is the Gateward Gate spell. But then, we're barmy, so here it is.

Gateward Gate
(Alteration; Level 6)

Range: 1 mile/level Components: V, S, M
Duration: Special Casting Time: 6
Area of Effect: 2 portals Saving Throw: None


Gateward Gate causes the archways or other architectural bits making up two gates that link places on the same plane to move themselves toward each other. The architectural bits involved actually break off from whatever structure they're composed of, dragging in the dirt and bouncing through the air until they meet somewhere at the middle point between where the two portals used to be, and bang together with a clang. The portals are still functioning throughout this process and at the end, even though there existence is now a bit pointless, as they now only portal you to where your already are.

Obviously a dangerous spell, it luckily requires some major planning to cast, thankfully allowing only the most barmlly dedicated wizards to attempt it. The components of the spell consist of one acquiring drawings of both the gateways, paying at least 80 jinx for high quality portraits, and then spending time traveling between the two portals showing them each others pictures, sending flowers and chocolates to each, and convincing them they really belong together. Once this is done, then the spell can actually be cast within seeing distance of one of the gates.

Chant goes there's an even barmier and frightening version of this spell, Major Gateward Gate, that can be cast on any gates anywhere, not just on the same plane. Though the spell has never been confirmed, reports have come in from various planes that archways and doorways had been seen dragging themselves along major pathways, and hitching rides with planewalking adventurers.

 

Last Week's Chant

All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.