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Barmy to the Spire


Second Void of Tithing

May 14th, 1999


Barmy Spotlight of the Week
Arcadian Pony

From: In the Cage, page 75
About: Arcadian Ponys are one of the many transits available from Tea Street Transit, pulling large cabs around around Sigil for 5 greens or 1 stinger. Resembling normal ponies except for their light green hides, a pair of rabbit like ears, and a strange green tentacle that grows from its chest that it uses to hold torches to light the way. Well, maybe resembling ponies is the wrong word. Though now a common site in Sigil, details are still shady on what the animals actually do in Arcadia. Various chant mongers say that they are used for normal farming, their strange ears letting them take orders over long distances, and their tentacle to hold a map of how their supposed to plow the soil. Others say they're still wild on arcadia and were domesticated to come to Sigil, the native Arcadian version having a longer and stronger tentacles they curl into a spring shape and bounce around on. Berks at the Tea Street Transit where unavailable for comment.
Barmyness: Their a bloody green pony with rabbit ears and a tentacle.
Quote: "Braaaynyonknyonk."
Likes: Green lima beans. Velvet covered lanterns, those torches sting you know. Dressing up in pink pajamas with the legs cut off and tentacle mittens.
Dislikes: People offering them carrots. Aoskar hounds and sheepdogs. Someone saying, "Er... um, something on your chest, might want to flick that off."

Barmy Bonuse:
Arcadian Pony War Saddle.
Though only a few in the multiverse, a couple of paladins have tried using the Arcadian Pony as there mount. The War Saddle is needed to accomplish this, as its composed of a large saddle but also a leather sleeve with a hook on the end, that goes over the tentacle in there chest. Using this saddle, the Pony is able to wield a weapon in its tentacle, giving the paladin a second bonus in battle, the first being that his opponents are probably laughing so hard at seeing a green pony with rabbit ears that they forget to defend themselves.


Second Low of Tithing

May 13th, 1999


Humors been a bit stretched this week (I'm still unconscious and laying in puddle in Curst remember), but do not fear, barmy doings are in the works. For now though, bear with a few jokes.

"Why happened to the gate at Tradegate?"
"They traded it."
- Winkens, who been working a little to hard

"Why'd the Harmonium arrest the apple seller?"
"She tried to peel someone"
- Hardhead humor

"Why'd the Prime get offended when Factol Erin wanted a private dinner with him?"
"He thought she was an Erinyes out to steal his soul"
- Opusdanielbob, salt mephit, recently banished.


Second Guild of Tithing

May 10th, 1999


Lady's Grace fellow Barmys! So, fascinated by my travels and wanting to know how you yourself can get out of the asylum or recesses of your mind and see some of the plane? Then the Planewalker Barmy kit is for you, my fellow loser of marbles!

Planewalker Barmy

When a barmy escapes the asylum and ends up out on the planes, they have to start being smarter then normal, no ones there to shift the bowl of oatmeal under the door or stop you from poking your eye out with a spoon. On the planes, you have to be tough. You can of course, still be raving mad, which tends to be a plus when visiting such places as Pandemonium and Baator.

This kit is appropriate for any class or race, as anyone can go sodding barmy. It's also good for those Planewalking Bleakers who've gone off the deep end but are to fast to get dragged back to the Gatehouse.

Role: Planewalker Barmys, unlike the counterparts in the Asylum, like to have a little fun outside their own mind. Sure, dancing with pink bunny rabbits only you can see is fun, but isn't painting a bunny pink and putting it on a Baatezu head to see if he notices that much more barmy?

Planewalker Barmys can be an essential part of an adventuring group, as they tend to release tension in everyone else, always have an idea for a situation no one else could possibly think up of in their right mind, and if all else fails they make handy target dummies and scape goats.

Weapon Proficiencies: Planewalker Barmys can only wield Asylum-safe curved utensils,so they don't hurt themselves.

Nonweapon Proficiencies:  Bonus - Planar Senselessness. Required - Barmy Ideas. Recommended - Getting in Trouble, Gibbering Madly.

Equipment: Asylum-safe curved utensils, Bowl, Asylum Rags.

Special Benefits: Planewalker Barmys can do about anything and get away with it, because their, well, mad. They can hit a creature that can only be hit by magical weapons, at least if with their fists and they survive the encounter. They know how to use any portals, at least those who have keys that are pink rabbits, drool, or insanity. They have numeroueos contacts throughout the planes, composed of strange transparent green goblins and blue pumpkins, who make excellent contacts indeed since no one else can see them. Finally, there able to scale any planar obstacles, not even noticing boiling lava and shear cliffs when they scale themselves right into the dead-book.

Special Hindrances: Well, not many, only that people seem to look at you funny and usually don't believe when you tell them there's a giant winged spider behind them. And of course, there's that whole business of yelling men with nets chasing you all the time, and trying to put you in that strange white jacket.


Second Market of Tithing

May 9th, 1999


You've heard of those barmy things from Mechanus called Gear Spirits right? Look like nuts and bolts and things and cry for their mommy when they get two inches away from their gears? And the well-lanned of you probably know about Sword Spirits, those whirwindy things from Acheron that looks like someone mixed up a bunch of angry goblins. But no one knows the third (there's always a third eh?), mostly because they're found on Carceria, and everyone knows no one comes out of Carceria, and those who do, who'd believe them?

Lock Spirit

"I should never of turned stag on that 'loth, they always get upset you know? Anyway, there I was banished to Carceria, bloody nasty place, and locked tight in one of its many prisons. I wasn't concerned though, sure they say Carceria's a tough gig, but I was master lockpick, and had gotten myself out of every dungeon, even when I was locked in planar mancatchers in that lofty Prison in Sigil. So, tools in handed, I went over to the lock to start my way in flying the coop. What I wasn't prepared for was the bloody lock spitting out my pick, and turning to me in reproachful voice "Do you really want to get out, its sodding miserable out there, let me tell you". Bloody scared the skin off of me it did."
- Strgno en'Darm, Carcerian Exile (er, Exile in Carceria)

Lock Spirits, appear to be well, locks, resembling some of their Gear Spirit cousins, a rounded block with little eyes and a mouth were the key gos, but instead of a latch the Lock Spirit's small arms come around to hold in a tight grasp. They don't as much get locked to a door or bar, as hold tight to it like they were hugging it. In fact, the Locks, who are the undead spirits of those that escaped one of Carceria's many prisons but died in the act, like being locks, and well, keeping things locked where they should be.

See, the locks feel its their duty to keep locked things put, as they broke out and see what happened to them? They often will drone on for hours telling any captive their keeping locked up about how its much better here, the foods much more fabulous here, and the outside world in general is not all its cracked up to be. The Lock Spirits make excellent locks, being that there is no key or way to pick them, are impervious to any magical means of opening them, and well, tend to stay hugged to there bar or door for as long as they last, the door or bar that is.

However, there is a staggering flaw in using Lock Spirits to lock things. They're ticklish, and using a feather, or even a gentle finger, under their clasped arms, will break their grasp in an undignified giggle. Unfortunately, and why most don't worry to much about this small weakness, the Lock Spirits, unclasped from their bars, tend to clasp onto whatever is convenient, i.e. your hand. And of course, going around with annoying lump of metal on your finger as a ring isn't a good idea. Tickling them again of course can release your finger, but the problem starts all over again when they clasp onto your other hand or whoever was barmy enough to help you.


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All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.