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Barmy to the Spire


Fourth Void of Tithing

May 28th, 1999


Barmy Spotlight of the Week
Grue Bottle

Appears In: Planewalker's Handbook, pg. 137
About: One of the stranger summoning magical items on the planes, it takes the form of a clear bottle or jar sometimes etched with slight patterns of swirling spirals. When heavily shaken (or even accidentally as everyone finds out) it opens a small temporary rift to one of the elemental planes, spitting out a disgruntled grue who was probably doing something better. This process is even more interesting from someone watching the grue on the elemental planes, as the bottle sends out a spell crystal resembling a small crystal vial that scours the elemental planes until it finds a suitable grue (or rarely a mephit accidentally standing in front of a grue), and then slams onto their head, creating the link between the bottle and grue. Once bound, the same grue can be summoned again, though the binding eventually wears out after the grue serves a set amount of time.
Barmyness: Its a bloody opaque bottle were you shake it and an elemental grue things pop out.
Quote: "... was telling a water mephit the other day... er? Where the bloody fundamental am I, and why are you muttering about wanting something bubbly?"
Likes: Colored glass. Being rubbed and polished.
Dislikes: Being left on a old shelf with jam preserves in a cellar. Being shaken allot. Having "100% Wind Terror - Very Fresh" labels stuck on them.

Barmy Bonuses:
Grue Attitude Table
. Though the Planewalker's Handbook has a table for determining the type of grue, we have created an expandend table to cover how the grue feels about getting summoned and what it was pulled away from, depending on grue type:

Fire grue (harginn) Water grue (varrdig)




The grue was just about to get the golden ash tray award from its guild, and so disgruntled he starts attacking the bottle holder immediately and yelling about stealing his spotlight.
Scavenging on things accidentally washed into Water, the grue appears with a large dead seal. Though the grue is somewhat under the bottle holders control, the floundering seal and it smell are not.
2-3 The grue had been ideally torturing some small fire bugs, and though irritated at being summoned, figures it can have just as much fun playing with fire here. 2-3 The grue was happily washing clothes for the marid, and so when pulled forth from the bottle its a bit soapy and clothes floating within its liquid form.
4-5 The grue had been one of the many other harginn assuming their bronze statue form in neat rows to liven up the City of Brass, and is glad to be out doing something, even occasionally obeying the holder 4-5 The grue swimming in the deeper parts of Water floating around, and so appears in its natural form, a blob with legs and tubes that falls on the floor, looking disgruntled.
6 The grue was working as a slave bed warmer for the efreet, and is very happy about getting away. It's willing to work cooperatively with the holder. 6 The grue was part of a trio, and the bottle accidentally brings them all along, the trio appearing as snowman shaped group of round varrdig all casting ice storm like mad.

Earth grue (chaggrin)

Air grue (Ildriss)





1 The grue was being eaten by as large earth elemental as it was summoned, and will be extremely happy to be rescued after it claws its way out of the elemental that came along too. 1 The air grue was enjoying a nice snack (a cloud) when summoned. It's rather irritated, but moves to find a tobacco product to smoke or a fume to digest rather than attack
2-3 The grue was slacking a bit in hedgehog form, hanging out out a large gem field and actually not eating everything in site, and generally slopping about. It's fairly indifferent, and moves to soil the nearest carpet. 2-3 The air grue was playing god with an insect when summoned (pulling it's wings off and whatnot). It is incredibly frightened of it's now-masters, as it thinks that Fate is trying to teach it a lesson. (as in, "now it's your turn to get your wings pulled off" type thing)
4-5 The earth grue summoned was eating some a vein of minerals near a dwarven mine, and is incredibly angered at the disturbance, gibbering madly with bits of ore spraying out of its mouth. 4-5 The grue is in a particularly vile mood after being sprayed with a perfume bottle; it almost immediately attacks/belches a cloud of noxious gas all over the place.
6 A humorous and fast beat folk song accompanies the hedgehog-form grue as it rolls merrily through to the caster. It's momentarily happy, but will roll itself into an impenetrable (and imbuggerable) ball after it cant hear the music anymore. 6 The grue in a small cloddish form floats above the bottle holder, and begins raining on them. It then begins sobbing and telling them all about its troubles, and occasionally asking for a tissue.

Grue Bottle Cap of Kroggo'krogg. This magical item resembles a small bottle lid, with slight hooks on the side and a handle on top. On its surface is carved a rune, the symbol of the ancient earth grue Kroggo'krogg. Chant gos he once was tricked by an elementalist wizard into revealing his true name for a large vein of top rate bronchium, and the wizard had a bit of a mass marketing magic item streak, creating hundreds of magic items embued with the grues true name. The cap is one such item, which when placed on a grue bottle, summons not a random grue but Kroggo'krogg himself, appearing as humongous hedgehog larger then a man, large craggy spikes appearing from its back, with he overall bluish tone of deep black stone. The grue is mean and bad tempered, as he must stay and server almost indefinitely, until one of the other caps or items summons him. It is even rumored a sect has sprung up on the planes, Kroggo's Holders Club, with cap holders coming together to compare notes on the grues service. Note that when the cap is placed on a normal bottle, it only causes a large amount of dirt and mud to fill its contents. When used on a bottle of apple juice, the mud creates one of Kroggo's favirote deserts, and he can be easily be bribed to act nicer by doing this a few times.


Fourth Hive of Tithing

May 26th, 1999


Tending  to giggle madly ourselves, we thought it might be interesting to see how other people on the Planes laugh. With that in mind, we've started a new feature called Laughs, Giggles, and Cackles of the Planes recording all the laughs in a special mimir, starting with the Baator this week. So take a listen to the laughter of the Lemure, Spinagon, Barbazu, Amnizu and Gelugon. All created by are resident Bleaknik (and part time barmy here at BttS), Tom. So, if you just want to listen for curiosities sake, or have in mind some players you want to play it to while they sweat over a fiendish plot, go take a look.


Fourth Clerk of Tithing

May 25th, 1999


weresloggosh3.jpg (19010 bytes)Weresloggosh

The weresloggosh is one of the few planeborn lycanthropes, their animal form being the plane of Salt native sloggosh. Though now common on both the planes Salt and Water, the weresloggosh were originally created by an alliance between the good water elementals and the marid, who feared the threat of the facets, those crystal-like beings from Salt who are trying to suck Water dry. Unable to visit the plane of Salt themselves without getting harmed (and more importantly, looking too embarrassingly wet and ragged), they created the weresloggosh to be their hands and eyes on the plane of Salt, and primarily spying on the Facets.

The weresloggosh, following the elemental planes rule of fours, can assume four forms, unlike other lycanthropes who normally assume three. Their human form appears as a sturdy mirad with long ragged hair or trendy beards encrusted with salt. In this form they usually dress in white shirts and shorts, and use a large net as their primary weapon. Their animal form appears like a normal sloggosh, a large shaggy moose without antlers. In this form they can charge opponents, their hooves sharp with salt shards. Their third form, the hybrid, mixes the above two, resembling a moose headed human with a large nose and wide mouth. Finally, their fourth form appears similar to a water elemental, their body liquidating into a salty water they can use to swim around the border of Salt.

The weresloggosh are often found spying on the facets, by assuming their animal form and standing dumbly slurping water like a normal sloggosh so the facets over look them. They also carry out missions, usually involving bringing back lost water creatures such as fish, which they use nets or their large mouths to capture, then return them to Water by storing them in special jars made by the marid. They tend to get hungry on the way though, but luckily there's lots of fish to pick up on Water before they report to their creators.

The weresloggosh have a deep hatred for the facets, but get along well with most other salt creatures, especially the mischievous salt mephits. Many a facet has fallen to a weresloggosh and salt mephit thought up prank, including luring a facet to an ooze pocket and watching him try to absorb it (ending up with two very brown, yucky, and above all disgruntled facets), convincing a bunch of impressionable Doomguard namers that the facets are working against entropy (usually suggesting slamming facets into each other as the best way to induce more entropy), or luring a facet into the slicing crystal ranges and picking up what's left in small salt shakers (often in the shape of amusing metal sloggosh) that they sell to the dwarven miners.


Fourth Guild of Tithing

May 24th, 1999


More spells to show just how barmy wizards can be, this time with a spell straight out of Limbo.

Slaadi Stomach
(Alteration; Level 3)

Range: 0 Components: V, S, M
Duration: 1 turn/level Casting Time: 3
Area of Effect: Caster Saving Throw: None

Slaadi Stomach, as per its namesake, allows the caster to eat about anything. This is accomplished by a small rift in the caster's throat, dumping anything swallowed in a stabilized pocket on the plane of Limbo. Though the spell doesn't change the caster's mouth or stomach in any way, even getting part of the object swallowed down, like the hand of a creature, instantly sucks it through and onto Limbo. The rift only works one direction, trying to pull things back out of it is impossible.

Although the the spell effects are only temporary, after the first casting the small pocket on Limbo lasts forever, and any recasting of the spell sends things to the same pocket. Anytime the caster is on Limbo, he'll feel a magical tug that easily leads to the small pocket and allows him to retrieve those items swallowed via the spell.

This spell is rumored to have been made by a Gray Slaad, fascinated by magic by also a desire to eat about anything in site. He made this spell to allow him to eat those really big meals wizards like, and to also hold the occasional magical trinket or person who offends him. The spell eventually leaked, you can never trust a barmy slaadi wizard to keep any of his spells, and is now used primarily by the other slaadi to bring back those persons infected with the disease or egg of a new slaad. The githzerai also occasional use it, but with the more practical uses of eating suspected poisoned food, or impressing each other by swallowing chaos shaped swords.

Though the spell is obviously powerful for those that can stomach it, there are still a few side effects. First, while the spell is in effect the caster can not actually eat or drink anything, as no food or healing potion ever makes its way into the body. Also, the caster has a strong inclination to eat anything no matter the repercussions. Those using the spell enough eventually have their alignment start to slide to Chaotic Neutral.

The components of this spell call for the wizard to have spent some time on Limbo and a general idea of chaos shaping. The caster must then leave a small gem that has passed through his stomach on Limbo, as this is the place where the small stable pocket for the spell will appear.


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All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.