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Barmy to the Spire


Fourth Void of Savorus

June 28th, 1999


With Savorus drawing to a close, the celebrations just starting to die down, we'd like to offer something special for all you Sensate namers out there. So with that we present all you enterprising Sensate's out there:

Pickup Lines To get a Berk Slapped
(Contributions by Tom, Sky, and various)

1. (to Erin) There's nothing like an old Darkflame, they say.
2. Hey, wanna see my chaos imp?
3. Is that a larvae in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
4. I'll show you my gate key if you'll show me yours.
5. (to a Celestial) Did it hurt? ("What?") When you fell from Mt. Celestia.
6. (to a Bleaker) The voices in my head told me to come over and say hello.
7. (to an Athar) I'll teach you to believe in the powers.
8. (to a Signer) I'll show you the center of my multiverse.
9. (to a Guvner) Wanna come break some laws with me?
10. (to a Hardhead) Let's see why they call you Hardheads.
11. (to Pentar) You can watch my modron march.
12. Wanna see why they call me a Knight of the Post?

Fourth Low of Savorus

June 27th, 1999



"Tortoise never saw the stars, his head always to the ground as he marched along. But then Isis, in the revolted form of an old Vulture, came to look upon Tortoise as he tumbled along the desert grounds, and an evil streak in her eyes she flipped Tortoise over to stop him. She wanted to eat his insides, but instead Tortoise saw the stars for the first time. Isis wanted to eat him and he knew it, but he still loved her for showing him the great gift of the stars. This passion called upon her holiness Ishtar, who had been hunting Isis, and she struck down the evil vulture. The Tortoise looked up and asked why she had killed the vulture, for it had given him a great gift. She said the vulture was evil even if it did good be accident, and she herself could show Tortoise true goodness. With this she turned Tortoise's shell into a bright star, allowing him to fly up into the sky."
- Legend of the Terbal

"Woh there you land dweller, you look a bit green, and I dare say that tends to clash with the Dancing Light's hull. Steady now. So, you want to know about the constellations in the fair sky of Thalasia we sail by eh? Take a look through the sextant here now, see those group of stars over there? We call those the Turtle Dove, with the wings extending beyond those two bright ones over there. Now, you probably won't believe me, none of you philosophers from Sigil seem to do, but those aren't gods palaces, or souls or whatever explanation you have for stars on infinite planes this week. No, those are Terbals, little creatures with shells like bright balls of light, barmiest thing I've ever seen. But it's true, I've met the brightest star their of the Turtle Dove myself, little old wizened fellow. Told him how useful they where to sailing, and he just said they like the view"
- A sailor on the Thalasia

"Oh, right, yes, I'm a star. Um, yeah part of the old Twined Trunks, upper left, can't miss me. Fly every winter like clockwork. Winters a good constellation season, means I get the summer off. I usually go paddle in the Oceanus, though tends to be hard getting water out of the old shell"
- Piccolo Dio, a terbal

Terbal are a race of tortoise-like humanoids from Elysium, appearing about the height of a halfling but much thinner, their shell actually composed of a glowing ball of light about  two feet across. What makes them interesting is the fact that they curl themselves within their ball of light like shell, and fly about like a ball of faerie fire, actually flying in groups slow enough, and more importantly on a strict schedule, in order to be used by sailors and travelers as constellations to plot their course. Some of the more known constellations are the Turtle Dove, Baleana, Twined Trunks, and Four Virtues. Though encountered on all the layers of Elysium, their most common on Amoria, the City of the Stars the only place where they gather in large number, and Thalasia, where most of their constellation like groups fly about the sky.

Terbals have strict flying schedules, wouldn't want a loose star flying around afterall, would muck up all the charts, so there tend to be a few hanging around Elysium on there off time. Most are into sailing or navigation of some type, but quite a few are also actors or artisans. Really old terbals, having grown brighter with age, but also heavier, leave the constellation business and instead usually go off to live in lighthouses across the coast of Oceanus, their light casting out in the dark while they philosophize. These old terbals tend to criticized as "barmy old hermits", but are usually the best people to seak out if your looking for something In Elysium, as they've flown over its landscape for all their life. The terbals base nature still slow and thoughtful, one can always still see the touch of Ishtar in them, for they are passionate about whatever they do. This tends to lead most people to think of them as eccentric, or "with their heads in the clouds" but considering this can be said of most people in Elysium, Terbals are actually some of more interesting and driven people a berk can meet.


Fourth Clerk of Savorus

June 25th, 1999


Barmy Brotos' Used Slaves
by Skypti, Tom, and Jeremiah

"Yesss, welcome to Barmy Borotssss' Usssed Ssslaves! Everyone musst go! We have incredible dealss that would make a baatezu go barmy! Why, jusst look at thiss fine young man! No, no, the bloodstainss will wash off in mere momentss! And all for the low low pricce of 3 jinx and 99 greenss! You can't beat thesse dealss even if you ssold yoursself to the 'lothss! Why? Becausse we're baaaaaaarmy! And, if you buy a sslave from us before Decadre 1sst, you'll be entered in our grand prize draw for a brand-new dungeon, complete with the latesst in torture acesssssoriess! Tso get yoursself down to Barmy Borotsss' Ussed Sslavess on Tsaints Walk today!"
- Barmy Brotos, making a sales pitch.

"And I thought I'd seen it all.
I was in Sigil for an art auction a few weeks ago, and I ended up in the wrong sort of auction house. Bloody disorienting place, Sigil. At the time, of course, I thought I was in the right place. Now then. I paid for my number, and took a seat. The actual hall was a bit dirtier than is usual for art auctions (as they cater to a rather posh crowd), but I figured it was just the janitor slacking or somesuch. Then I looked up at the stage. They were setting up the wares all right... a whole bunch of sods were getting lined up on various platforms, and were posed in all sorts of embarrassing positions by a tso. Four humans, a pair of bariaur, and a vrock - apparently with it's wings cut off.
The nalfeshnee auctioneer began...

'Ok, do I hear... oh, 5 jinx for any of these sods? They're in rather good condition, all of 'em, or so it says... (he whispered to the tso, "Hey, you little tsnot, none of these are in good condition! this is false advertising!" so loud that the whole hall heard. And through it all, a hushed 'Oooh! Me! Pick me!')'

A slave auction.

'Fi'jin ferdat'n!' came a wiry voice from behind me... an osyluth.
'Oooh! No! Meeee! Pick me!'
'Five jink to the osyluth... once, twice...' he paused, 'Gone!'
'Seven pieces of gold for that lovely pair of goats!' came a posh, primeish voice from the left. He got some glares from other bariaur, but they stayed quiet.
'Noooo! Me! Me next! Pleeease! I'm great at being a slave!' The tso looked embarrassed.
'Sold! Now, we have these nice, pretty humans, and this, well, this vrock. Any takers? I have somewhere to be, we'll say twenty jink on the humans, five on the vrock?'
'Yes! Yes! Me! Pick me!'
'Oi gawts twony owan de modalls,' Came a thick, gehreleth's accent, from near the stage.
'C'mon! Only five! I'm great! Look! Squack Squack!'

I ended up buying the poor bugger for seven stingers... after which I set him free in the Gatehouse Gardens. Never before have I seen something as twisted, as a vrock auctioning itself."

- Account of Feliz Amaldiçoe, Art collector

Located on Saints Walk, the most run down and shabby part of the street, is Barmy Brotos' Used Slave, thee place in Sigil to get your own, um, personal servant for an insanely low price. Run by the half mad Barmy Brotos (Pl / m.gif (886 bytes) tso / T6 / CE), who was kicked out of, in descending order, his tso society, the merkhants, and finally the fated for being so barmy, especially when it came to counting coins. He has habit of always dropping his price and yelling "Becausss we're baaaaarmy!" whenever the customer looks to be getting uninterested, or he's just feeling a tad bit insane and feels he should prove it a bit. Needless to say every slave trader in the multiverse passes through here to sell or buy, from efreeti and dao to loths and night hags. Though selling for insanely low prices, so low that the few times the fated have tried to bring them up in court "Sly" Nye has gotten them off by arguing their giving them away for free, they still make a profit because everyone's buying slaves there, even people who don't need them. Brotos himself appears as a large, overly large, tso with an even weaselier head, which he keeps trimmed with a long curled mustache and greasy looking hair. He also tends to wear a thick pair of spectacles and a gaudy shirt, a barmy never could dress well eh?


Fourth Guild of Savorus

June 24th, 1999


Northshore, a little page made by the guys that are creating Planescape: Torment to show all the behind the scenes stuff, have made a very barmy sneak preview of the newest Torment level. Take a glance over there, and watch out for that clown!


Fourth Market of Savorus

June 23rd, 1999


sbutterfly.jpg (4332 bytes)Ode to the Spire Butterfly
By Tom Bubul

Sitting by the Spire, where the tall grass grows,
watching the Spire butterflies on a demarax's nose.
They flitter and they flutter, they fly up and down,
their rainbow dance forms quite a trance,
more beautiful than the Lady's gown...

The beauty of the Spire Butterfly is like that of the Spire itself... they're a mysterious presence that a cutter takes for granted, but if pondered, are one of the greatest beauties out there in the vast infinities. On a field day from the Gatehouse one day that our good gardener, Pekan, decided to take us on, we got taken out to look at the Standing Stones in the Outlands, near the Spire. They're big, barmy rocks said to have lives of their own - they very, very slowly orbit the Spire. I strayed a little bit, and ended up lying in the shade of the afternoon, on the Upper Planar side of the Spire, staring up at the infinite skies. Soon enough, with a slightly electric tingle in the air heralding their arrival, came a flight of the little beauties... butterflies of all color imaginable. The soft, heavy footsteps of a demarax chasing it's food came along with them. A silently flapping flock of multicolored beauty watching a giant purple lizard chasing a whizzing spell crystal across the savage, mind bogglingly bizarre beauty of the Outlands. I love field trips.

They fluttered over my head, and I shivered all over. The site was almost the kind you'd expect after you had tea with Psilofyr; and I've done that, so I know 'bizarre' when I see it. Rainbow waves of magic rushed over me, their slightly flapping wings delivering a breeze across my face. The demarax continued thud-thudding across the landscape in search of his supper, followed by the butterflies - apparently in search of some fun.

The slight storm of magical wings was gone almost as soon as it started, and the infinite, blue Outlands sky was again visible. Lying in the grass, I stared straight up at Sigil for a few minutes (and I swear I saw my window in the Gatehouse gleaming), and heard the feet of Pekan coming gently through the grass to get me back into the group again.

Sitting in the Gatehouse, where none but the barmies go,
thinking of the butterflies - and my demarax hero.
While I sit and ponder, they're flying round and round,
their rainbow dance forms quite a trance,
they're dancing about the Spire's ground...


Last Week's Chant

All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.