What's all this barmy stuff?
Want to find out what has been forgotten in the Styx?
Not enough barminess for you?
|Third Void of Sacrilegion
September 21st, 1999
by Tom Bubul
The planes being the way they are, what with all manner of races and
and frogs and cabbages and things that go 'pop', there's no single uniform
creation myth. Everybody has one, and in some cases, more than one are
actually right - because again, the planes are just like that. Now, I,
Charles Darlose, am out to find the truth! I shall ask the masses the
truth of where the slaadi came from! The masses in front of the
Gatehouse, to be precise.
"In the beginning, there was a big sloppy mess, which exploded and
got all over everything. I tracked it on my mom's carpet and she got mad.
- Alb'reqt, Red Slaadi
"Where do slaadi come from? Got me, I'd say some power
thought it might be funny if big frogs hopped around the place... if I was
immortal, I know that'd amuse me."
- Mordred, random passerby from Sigil's streets.
"Slaad? Don't they have a big rock that they spawn with or
- William the Fantastically Stupendous, Prime warrior, before accidently
falling down a manhole.
"Hophophop! I slaadi! I slaadi! Where do I come
from? Where come you do from, mmm? Questions too many you ask,
perhaps you should wonder more where mother came from your, yes?"
- A bunch of Xaositects, as they painted me pink.
"Well, when a mother slaadi and a father slaadi fall in
- Some lady, before I ran away.
- a patch of razorvine.
"<a clothesline, arrow pointing at some shirts> - C + th
<a giant> <a frog> <a naked statue with a Censored
sign over it's private bits>? <eye> Th + <inkpot>
T + <hay> C + <a person humming> F + <a
big mug of darkish liquor> <an unsolved addition problem, an arrow
pointing at the blank where the answer goes> <a person with lots of
clothes on> <a House For Sale By Fated Realty sign> - ty + lly
<a pile of muck> + <pie>."
"Those big frog thingies? I think they come from somewhere
- A dabus
"Big frogs you say? With tattoos on? And loinclothes? I'd
say they come from Limbo, yes?"
- James, a Prime mage who actually did his reading
|Third Hive of Sacrilegion
September 19th, 1999
Barmy Spotlight of the Week
Monstrous Compendium I, page 114
About: Hated by most
everyone, vargouilles are some of the barmiest creatures on the lower
planes. They resemble nothing more then languished fiendish heads, huge
yellowish eyes that tend to swivel in all directions, and their strangest
feature, ears that are fine greenish bat wings. They have no body, and
their hair is long stripped tentacles that curl at the ends, flowing down
in a strangling mass. When seen their mouths are almost always hanging
open, the creatures screaming and howling as they madly flap along.
Whatsmore, if one of these creature happens to bit you, they plant a wet
slobbering kiss on a berk, causing him to quite literally lose his head,
and also become one of these fascinating creatures. The creature obviously
can not communicate - how do you hear with bat wings? - and scholar wonder
if this is why they always seem to be in a mad temperament. It also make
these creature quite common in Pandemonium, unaffected by the howling
winds, except maybe to get fluttered around and bounced into walls.
Barminess: It's a bloody
flapping bat-winged head, who likes to kiss adventurers.
shrieeeking shriek shrieking herrrruuu!"
Likes: Accessories, pretty
bows, ear piercings, lip gloss. When people are happy when their kissed,
and use breath mints. Mimirs, they have this strange fellow feeling.
Dislikes: Not being able to
tell people they want accessories, and not having hands to go get the
stuff themselves. Headhunters. All these berks showing up with shields to
try and gain control of them, and whatsmore, having nasty disfigured heads
before they even get there.
Vargouille Costume (With Flapping Ears)
As seen in the Erin's Fun Toy's catalogue, this fun costume
is delight any a young tiefling as they go about trick or tricking.
Consisting of a small greenish helm, attached are long green ropes dies in
green and purple, mechanical gnome-improved bat wings that are operated by
a small cord that allows a wearer to flap them madly, and a long dark to
wrap around and convince everyone your actually a ghoulish barmy flapping
head. Have fun with your younger brother by jumping out behind the bed,
howling madly, and trying to give him a big smooch on the cheek.
Though made more amusement purposes, some paladins have
taken to the costume when visiting the lower planes, hoping that actual
vargouilles will take them as already kissed, and ignoring them. Of
course, they site of a armored paladin wearing a small helmet, cloak
draped behind like a small towel, and pulling on the cord like mad to get
the wings flapping, might just make them think he's barmy enough not to
|Third Clerk of Sacrilegion
September 18th, 1999
Recently in the newsrag "Weaponry of the Planes and
Blood War" was an article dear to my barmy heart, finally bringing to
light the often neglected sickles and scythes. I have yet to see a
planewalker brandishing these weapons, and am glad someone's started
trying to change there image of regular farm equipment. Though they where originally
featured in that tome "The Planewalker's Handbook" (page 135),
only now has "Weaponry" started actively started marketing these
barmy weapons. Oh, and be sure to check out the other article in this
months issue, Sharpening your wiggly blade: What to do when your blade goes
A curved hook tapering to a point with a short handle, this is a perfect
weapon for both celestials and fiends. Here we see are aasimar model with
this fabulous weapon, dressed in brilliant armor and spotted leggings, a
soft glow seeming to emanate from his strong features. He turns, his shiny
armor glinting in the sun, and we see the curved sickle dangling from his
belt, among other items. It shows a graceful deadliness, while at the same
time blending in with the common pouches and items at his belt. As he purposefully
strides down the street, he could either be off to a heroic skirmish with
invading fiends or simply off to help an old women with her harvest. It
gives him the perfect image, deadly yet friendly to the everyday man or
farmer. At the same time, as he draws another sickle hidden behind his
cloak, both deadly hooks gripped in either hand, he looks the terrifying
image that would be at place on any fiend trying to terrify a village.
Our sickles come in a number of size and colors, as well
as a number of metals such as green steal for only a small mount of jink
extra. Plus, for a limited time only, were offering a special discount on
special forge hide leather grips and special barbed blades to truly put in
mind to your enemy that your definitely not mad at just some innocent
A long thin blade attached to a tall bent handle, the scythe is both
deadly sweeping weapon and fashionable staff. Here we have our second
model, a lovely tiefling in tight fitting leather and spiked armpads,
short flaming red hair playing over her face as she grins with slightly
deadly intent. In her gloved hands she holds the scythe straight and leans
nonchalantly against it. The perfect pose for a traveling planewalker, a
walking staff and handy weapon in one. The scythe allows her to show a serene
expression, yet at the same time putting a weapon in hand much closer then
the dagger attached to her belt. She grins, perfect teeth catching the
light, and takes a battle pose, gently swinging the scythe through the air
with a deadly grace, the air being split with a gentle swoosh. She spins,
taking out imaginary opponents behind here, the perfect balance of the
scythe allowing her to spin it around to at all sides. This weapon is
perfect in combat, in the hands of planewalker or fiend, giving you a
deadly image to scare off any would be robbers, and a deadly blade to make
a point to those who don't scare.
Our scythes are also available in a number of metals and
woods. Also available is a double bladed scythe, perfect for those who
wants to be twice as deadly as they twirl through there opponents like a barmy
|Third Guild of Sacrilegion
September 17th, 1999
of the Pit
Lemures and Nupperibos as PCs
So, those uppity celestials can now go adventuring can
they? But what of the fiends? Bar that, right, we can't let players be
fiends, fiends do naughty things! But what about the Least fiends,
stepped-on by all sides, opposed by celestials, fiends, and even the plane
that spawned them. Now that's adventure material! In this light, BttS is
proud to present the least baatezu as PCs, giving ideas of how to roleplay
these fascinating creatures, the adventurers they can go on, and running a
The least of the least, these dripping blobs of flesh make up
the lowest of baatezu society. They're more pitiful then evil, only taking
place in the Blood War as mindless beings to be slaughtered, they're only
hope is they'll survive long enough to be promoted (Promoted Lemure PCs
are, of course, turned into NPCs at that point). Being petitioners
themselves, Lemures often show signs of their previous life, a character
trait such as twitching, or being more sulky or ambitious. Lemure PCs
appear almost exactly as the horde of other Lemures, but often have
distinguishing features such as broken swords or pieces of discarded armor
they've found from old battles. This is often the reason they get in so
much trouble, higher ranking fiends being able to distinguish them, and
continually make their lives miserable.
Roleplaying Suggestions: A lemures
drive is only to survive, and to gain promotion. While being evil
creatures, they're more likely to want to run from then torment someone,
and are best played as the pitiful creatures they are, whipped on by the
higher ranking fiends.
Ability Adjustments: Lemures
have a -8 to Intelligence, a -4 to Strength, Dexterity, and Wisdom, a -14
to Charisma, and a +2 to Constitution.
Special Abilities: Being
practically mindless creatures, lemures are unaffected by most mind
affecting magic, such as charm. They still can, of course, and often are,
whipped or threatened into doing things anyway. The lemures biggest
advantage is it's regeneration, gaining 1 hp per round and being able to
survive even if the tiniest bit of it survive. Other fiends know this too,
and take great delight in tormenting lemures over and over, or sending
them on dangerous missions, such as into boiling lava.
Special Hindrances: Lemure
PCs can not leave the lower planes, not only would they have a hard time
surviving, but the higher-up fiends won't let them. With the PC
distinguishing themselves, the higher-up fiends take a special interest,
and keep tabs are their favorite genny-pigs.
Class Options: Lemure PCs
can by 0-level, and some are intelligent enough to become fighters (2nd
level max) or priests (1st level max).
Though higher in station then the Lemure, the Nupperibo PC is
actually less intelligent and often out-ranked by a lemure PC when away
from higher-up fiends. The nupperibos are round and fat, slightly bloby
appendages sticking out. They have even less hope then the lemures, as
they must be demoted to ever gain rank. This means their primary goal is
only to survive, and try not to become a snack for some other fiend.
Though not as good at scavenging old weapons as the lemures, these least
fiends often are given clubs to fight in the Blood War, and often wear
strange loin clothes. Sometime they are also branded, which is common when
traded to the yugoloths be higher baatezu.
Roleplaying Suggestions: Having almost
no intelligence, the nupperibo are best played as stumbling idiots, egged
on my their superiors, or fellow lemures.
Ability Adjustments: Lemures
have a -14 to Intelligence, a -6 to Strength, and Wisdom, a -14 to
Charisma, and a +4 to Constitution.
Special Abilities: Just like
the lemure, nupperibo PCs are immune to mind affecting spells, and
regenerate at 1hp a round, and can grow back if even a bit of them is
left. They also have the special power of cause fear, though they
can only use it when ordered to by a higher-ranking fiend (the DM) and
more then Nupperibo is present.
Nuppribos are even worse off then lemures, often being eaten at the
slightest whim, or sold to the 'loths.
Class Options: Nupperibos
can be 0-level, or fighters (1st level max)
Adventure and Campaign
Nupperibo and lemure PCs are not suggested for regular
adventurers, and are bested played in a Stepped-On only campaign, taking
place in the lower planes. The adventure ideas for a group of lemures and
nupperibos is endless, from fighting in the Blood War taking down evil
fiends, saving the city of Minauros from sinking by bravely going into the
stinking bog to explore the old sunken cities and returning masonry,
building the new cities of Malbolge, being entertained by yugoloths, or
simple exploring all the places to hide as the Blood War rages around.
There are, unfortunately, not often many princess to save (A lemure can
get kicked in the flesh if even suggests this to an erinyes), but the PCs
saving their own skin is probably good enough. Villains is no problem,
every other fiend, paladins, or celestials will take a chance to take a
kick at a lemure or nupperibo, and whatsmore, they'll regenerate so they
can do it all over again the next day!
Last Week's Chant
All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.