Back to
Barmy to
the Spire

What's all this barmy stuff?
About

Want to find out what has been forgotten in the Styx?
Archives

Not enough barminess for you?
Features

Ratings: Cant terms

Brain-box: No, not the snappy boxes with strange amusing characters on the front that Ilithids use to store an afternoon snack. Brain-box is a persons skull, head, or other brain holding anatomy. It's a nice rounded cant word, as it's much more fun to, lets say , bonk peoples brain-boxes out with a mallet, then just ordinary 'heads'. However, it lacks a bit in originality, as your head is obviously a box for holding your brain, to keep all those crazy thoughts out and to protect from mold. B

Peel:  Ah, the peel. Not some old slice of Mechanus clockwork orange, but what happens when a Knight of the Post sells you an old slice of clockwork orange. It's a trick, con, or swindle, and pretty much in common use around the planes, anywhere a berk can well, sell a clockwork orange for 50 jink more then it's worth. It's a fun word, as you can tell someone your gonna 'peel' them, and use it in a threatening manner as you wave your curvy sword around, but your just as likely to have someone laugh in your face any time you use the word, and ask you about being scarred of the whittle potato peeler. C+ 

Sod: The mother of all cant words, a short three-letter totally meaningless word that you can make statements like "Sod off, you sodding sod" or "I'm gonna sod that sodder sod!". It's technically supposed to mean a pour soul, but who cares about them? We want call are enemies, and the local cabbage merchant, and anyone who looks at us funny a sod! Sod's just a cool word, we should start naming are kids that. Think, "Sod the Planewalker", now there's someone who will get respect. A

Barmy: A! No, more then that, um, Z+! Well yes, we might be a bit biased, but hey, barmy is just such a cooool word. Cabbages! It means insane or crazy, for those who haven't guessed that yet. About anyone can be barmy, and often are, not just those who mutter and hang out at the Gatehouse. There's also temporary barminess, so you can yell 'barmy' at anyone. Feel free to, please! Barmy is also commonly used to refer to anyone who's been 'touched' my the majesty of the planes, shattering their minds. We like being touched by the planes! A+

Wigwag: Sounds like something one of those stuffy Guvner judges would do with their powdery wig, eh? Or maybe the name for that monstrosities of a hat their always found of, mmm? But know, wigwag for some reason means to chat or talk, which come to think of it, quite allot of those law-pushers tend to do. Though this could of been put to good use, "I'm gonna cut your wigwag off" has possibilities, it was left to describe talking. We still prefer 'rattling your bonebox' above wigflapping. D

Ratings inspired by Brunching Shuttlecocks, you barmy sod.

Barmy Spotlight of the Week
Codex of Infinite Planes

From:Dragon issues 203, page 74, and issue 205, page 51
About: Scholars say that a book can capture your imagination and take you anywhere, but none so more then the Codex of Infinite Planes. This barmy book might not yet even be written as it forces itself into the dreams of a prime, a Codex slave, who is compelled to write of the infinite planes, to bring the Codex to life. It uses this prime to write down its pages, a madness as he does nothing but write the places he sees in his dreams - places of pink elves I say, everywhere - until he is a withered husk, hands old and cramped, and the book moves into another's dreams. No writers block for these poor clueless, but some have found a way to break the Codex's grip. They sneak into another berks dreams, scribing the story of their life on his skin, until they break the Codex's grip and merge into the tattooed body of their victim. These berks are forever tormented, their misdeeds written on their skin, telling all of how they nicked another life to save their own, and whatsmore, of how bad their spelling and penmanship is. This isn't too say the book is bad, it simply wants to spread the joys of the planes to some prime scholars, placing all the wonders of the multiverse in their happy dreams. 
Barminess: It's a book that makes it writer barmy, may not exist yet, and contains knowledge of all the planes, even the rare ones with pink elves.
Quote: "Index: What is this Codex? -- See page 9,600,790,..."
Likes: Being written down, especially on nice memo paper, not this papyrus and definitely not this <the shiver of fluttering pages> chalkboard stuff. Placing the image of interesting places in a primes mind, and knowing the smug satisfaction of another page well done. 
Dislikes: When a slave slips its grasp, pulling that old 'write on some other berk' trick, you'd think by now someone would try something original, eh? Pink elves, for some reason. Those maddeningly slow Calligraphers, who'd rather embroider a flower around a letter then write a bloody page.

Barmy Bonus:
Oliver O. Konix (Pl / earth genasi / M1 / Guvner / N) is obsessed with the Codex. He was the son of a guvner geologist, but quickly (well, slowly) became fed up with his parents resistance against leaving the plane of Earth, and so he was shipped to Sigil. Their he was one of many librarians at the Courthouse, until he happened to find a few pages from the Codex. He became enthralled with the idea of knowing about every plane, and had the barmy notion of purposely drawing the Codex's attention on himself, and it's dreams. He tried desperately to get it's attention, taking special courses from Ciphers and Signers in the art of dreaming, chiseling little message on his own skin, and even once binding himself in a giant book. All was for not though, for he was planar and the Codex only enslaved the primes. He cursed his planar blood, and moved to the prime, collecting those pages of the codex that litter the crystal spheres, and still hoping to call the Codex down on himself. Most would call him barmy for wanting the Codex to enslave them, but some berks have their fancies you know.

Oliver is old now, appearing as an old wizened man that seams like he could break in the wind, until one sees his crusted skin. He wears glasses, blinking at those he sees, and his hands are covered in ink spots. He's always carrying books and pages, satchels and pockets full to the brim. He tends to mumble allot, but is always interested in any stories of mad scholars or strange tattooed people.

Faces of Barmies
II

More barmies, wow, where do we get these people, eh?

Faces of Barmies can be used both by DMs for NPC concepts, or by players as new characters. The pictures above link to larger for-print versions, and can be used freely for personal use. Thanks to Vicki Hood and Tom Bubul for drawing them.


Mad Tonga (upper left) (Pl / Tiefling / T8 / Ring-giver / CE) A mad little tiefling, he barely tops a halfling, he runs around Sigil using his trickery thieving skills not to steal, but for some reason to place hats on the heads of anyone he see. Pointy hats, fezs, top hats, bobbles, or monstrosities with fruit and birds, all are placed on passers by as the determined tiefling sneaks up behind their backs.

Monika (upper center) (Pl / Human / M3 / Athar / CN) Who do you think of when someone says Athar? A bunch of cranky old men and pasty scribes, yes? You've never met Monika then. She's one of the most charismatic of the lot, some would mistake her as a Sensate, as she doesn't go out and preach, but takes a more hands on approach in showing the flaws in the powers. Whether this is tempting a bent up proxy to get bubbed, or charming a priest with a wink and a kiss. She's a bit barmy though, that or she really has been dating Thor...

"Happy" Scalbo (upper right) (Pl / Khaasta / B8 / CG) Scal is a clown from the Palace of the Jester, a scary site as the lizard dresses in colorful baggy clothing, white makeup and red lips across scales, and enough bells to be heard all across the ward. He's a happy person at heart, but tends to scare the tief kiddys when he beams at them, and sticks his tongue in and out. Truly two nightmares in one.

Lilalie (lower left) (Pl / Githzerai / Chaosman / CN) Lily is somewhat of a normal xaositect, dressed in bright clothes and jewelry, a stark contrast as she walks through the hive, a beaming smile on her face to anyone she meets. What makes her a bit barmy is her fancies, namely the sparkling bald mimirs that seem to frequent the cage. She simply adores them (and even more, their bald-headed owners. I'm sure you've noticed, strange eh?), and the only thing that makes her smile slightly fade is them being all silver. At least they used to be, until she set out to paint all those skulls pretty colors... 

Bubbles Bjar (lower center) (Pl / Marid / Merkhant / CN) Bjar deals in soap, lots of soap. In fact he controls the entire supply of this to the Cage, and any fresh fragrance blowing around can be credited to him. Though he's good natured enough, and the soap has brought him riches, he has the obviously slight problem of always being surrounded by bubbles, as his watery nature mixes with the soap around him all day. And so his fellow merkhants don't take him seriously when he's always surrounded by a slight aura of happy popping shiny bubbles.

Sir Pouruns (lower right) (Pl / Aasimar / Bleaker / CN) Sometimes called the "Rich Beggar" or more often "The Sod", Pouruns seems to have the best in life, a noble ancestry (at least if you count the fact that most of his forefathers where celestials who though evil was rubber duckys), enough jink to buy a plane, and a surprisingly happy outlook at life. He still sits outside the Gatehouse everyday though, and asks people for a quarter, he's fancy clothes all dirty and worn. If people ask why he does it, he says he likes to rattle the cup.

Last Week's Chant

All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.