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Barmy to the Spire

 

Fourth Void of Retributus

March 28th, 1999

 

Xaosciations!

Location: "triggers a switch", "harpy guardians", "elemental pocket"
"Otum's Elemental Pocket: Otum the Mad, of the Gatehouse, has a special elemental pocket, in which lives Otum's special Elemental wocket. To enter Otum's pocket, and to see his special wocket, one must visit his cell at the far end of the irretrievably insane ward of the Gatehouse, where a switch must be pulled, pushed, twisted, shaboinked, winked at, nodded to, worshipped, and whatnot before it opens properly. Those things must be done in the proper order. Doing them improperly, or in the wrong order, triggers the switch differently... Otum will scream, tear at his hair, and say that you've irritated his wocket. His harpy guardians (Nelly and Catherine, the 2 nurses who tend his cell block) will immediately come and seize whatever intruders did not pull, push, twist, shaboink, wink at, nod to, worship, and soforth the trigger properly, so as to pacify the Mad Otum, and his friend in his pocket."
- Xaosciated by Tom

Sect: "silver spike", "degrees of Devotion", "that branding iron now ranks among my favorite trophies of my many travels"
"An Infinite Degree of Devotion (The streched): A strange sect has recently risen up on the Outlands, some say starting up near the fields near Sylvania. This sect, more of a cult really, can be recognized by there bow tie looking symbol, a circle sided by to two half circles, branded on to there forehead. They call themselves the "An Infinite Degree of Devotion" and seem to worship as it where, the spire. The branding they use as their symbol is supposed to be a spire butterfly, and there ritual weapon, a long pike, is actually nothing more then a long spike like the spire. They often boast that those they impale with it have 'seen infinity'"
- Xaosciated by Jeremiah

Fourth Low of Retributus

March 27th, 1999

 

Some elemental jokes today. My barmy request for people to send me more jokes still stands, though its more your sanity at stake than mine eh?

"Why did the mephit go to the tailor?"
"To get his elemental pocket mended!"
- As submitted by Otum the Mad

"Why do more Facets keep appearing to fight in their
endless battle to absorb the Bottomless Deep?"

"Someone forgot to turn off the faucet!"
- As submitted by a witty salt mephit

 

Fourth Hive of Retributus

March 26th, 1999

 

Finally got tired of talking to rocks, so we've put pen to paper, and often a bit of nibbling it with teeth, to bring you the Spire's first feature. So, get all nice and cozy with your favorite Slaad, and take a look at Xaosciation.

 

Fourth Clerk of Retributus

March 25th, 1999

 

Servants of Light has been delayed and renamed, but for those who want a peek at what it could have looked like, can take a glimpse here. I sort of like how it looks, but of course, I'm barmy right?

 

Fourth Guild of Retributus

March 24th, 1999

 

Something fluttered down from the spire. I had been watching it awhile now, for eternity one could say, as it slowly floated to the ground, apparently flying out of the cage up top. It was quickly found lying on the ground, a simple scroll with the title "Clueless Guide to the Wards", I read it chuckling to myself, I couldn't believe anyone would be barmy enough to believe this. Everyone knows gnomes aren't even cute...

Clueless Guide to the Wards
Only 25 gold coins or 38 stingers

Lady's Ward, far prime traveler, is the place to be in sigil. For here, one can find the beauties and delights of the universe. Yes, all the ladies of Sigil make there homes here, from alluring angelic assimar to the fiendish bloodlust of the sucumbus and erinyes. Located in this ward of Sigil are the Courts, where one can go to court a damsel of your choice, from exotic tieflings to sexy gnomes.

Hive Ward, truly a wonder of the universe, holds all of the famed bee keeper faction of Sigil. One has not tasted the sweetest honey until one has come here. The place throbs with the slow buzzing of bees, and to take a tour of the hive, a catacomb of wax and honey that gives this ward its name, is a honored experience.

Lower Ward, is actually under all the other wards, having sunk there millennia ago. Here they say are treasures and dragons to make an adventures mouth water, and all for those daring enough to take it. The only thing in this lowly caverns is the Foundry, a collection of dwarves who try to keep the ward from sinking any lower, and keeping its riches from the world forever.

Market Ward, Though often confused as a place to buy and trade goods, this ward is actually in the market of ideas, and is run by the evil and cruel 'philosophers with clubs'. Primes as best warned to stay away from here, as they philosophers often mark people with strange tattoos and symbols, which they use to control them entirely. Be peery of anyone with these strange markings.

Guildhall Ward, does not actually exist as any one could tell you, and those that don't are in on the conspiracy. See, the Guildhall Ward is actually a magical ward extending all the city, numbing mens minds, and is named after a corrupted form of "Guile de All". This is easily countered though, any friendly Knight of the Post can sell you an etherscope, a device to protect you against this dangerous ward.

Clerk's Ward, Truly a dangerous place for a Prime, for here is where the city puts all those salesmen and traders who are incompetent and unfit to be Knights of the Post. These 'Clerks' as they're called will try to steal your jink while still being totally lazy and rude, often walking away in the middle of trying to sell you something. They sit in there grand Halls lazying about, often not even lowering themselves to to talk to a noble prime adventurer. This place is best sidetracked, or if that is not an option, in the company of a Knight of the Post guide.

 

Fourth Market of Retributus

March 23rd, 1999

 

Story Time
"Loth Vacationing"

It was the second interesting visit that day. A lone figure approached, at a quick and determined pace, from the general direction of Ribcage. He resolved into the figure of a Baatezu, but though he still wore the medals of his rank, he seemed a bit to colorful. For a start he was wearing a shirt, a blazing pattern of colors in a tropical theme, an envy of all Sensates. For another, around his neck where a necklace of flowers, glowing gently with the scent of the Upper planes.

He marched up to where I was sitting, emitting more an aura of frustration then evil, muttering to himself ,"...amned 'Loths! Back on the old days it was nip and tuck, my feet barely used to touch the ground. But now this! Argh!"

He stopped, at quickly glanced up and down at me, "Mortal, Do you know whost I be?"

I grinned, talking to a fiend can be bad business, but I am barmy you know, "Yes, quite, your half a peak late."

He grunted, probably restraining an urge to split me in two and give what was left over to the Kocrachon, "Fine Mortal, I would repay for that insult, but I'm sure the damnable 'loths have been here? Lead on then, filthy worm"

I nodded, grinned, and marched up a small hill behind me, kicking a few spire butterflies to create quite a splendid view of color in the air, and the sky clearing to reveal the spire as the butterflies settled back down. The Barbazu silently came up and stood next to me.

I squinted, trying to remember words repeated to me earlier that day, and in quite an upsetting telepathic voice too, "Here we have the grandeur of the spire, one of the 15 wonders of the Multiverse, following closely behind Yggdrassil as the tallest infinite structure with both a bottom and top. Notice closely as the clouds loop about its mid center, said to remind many fiends of the color of the frozen Stygia. Now, please wait patiently as your tour guide points out the direction, and remember, for your enjoyment, please do not kill the tour guides. Thank you"

Throughout all this the baatezu remained silent, occasionally muttering to himself and glancing about, "Well'est mortal, where is thoust the next stop, the ceremonial bathing lakes of  Semuanya or some such I'm sure", he laughed sarcastically, "It didn't used to be this way you know, back before trapazoiding the hoop, a fiend wanting a little vacation time from the Blood War just decided to get up and teleport somewhere for awhile, but now, hah! The 'loths have set up vacationing tours! '20 sites of the multiverse for only 15 jinx'! We even get vacation time off from the war!"

After this outburst he was silent. Trying not to let the clinking of jink in my pockets give me away, I sidled up next to him, "The tour is quite fascinating though is it not?"

"Hah! A walking bound mortal would not understand. Fine, where is the next tortu..., delight on the tour?" He grimaced, fingering his flower necklace with distaste.

"The glorious caverns of Dwarven Mountain! It's quite easy to locate, directly Faunel-ward from here, straight..." The directions easily delivered, I still had a couple hours till peak to find a shovel, bury my jink, and forget about it. There's nothing like a game of "pick up the rock and see if there's any treasure under it" to enlighten future days.

 

Last Week's Chant

All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.