Back to
Barmy to
the Spire

What's all this barmy stuff?

Want to find out what has been forgotten in the Styx?

Not enough barminess for you?

Barmy to the Spire


Third Void of Nihilum

October 21st, 1999


Creation Myths:
The Gatehouse
by Tom Bubul

On nice bright days at the Gatehouse, it's fun to take out the old soapbox and see what the people have to say about things. That's what it's about, it is, the public voice. Without the public voice, we'd be mindless masses! Ehem. So. The public voice was speaking gibberish today when I went out to listen to it answering my questions, those being, "Why on earth does it exist? What's the sodding thing for?" The sodding thing, being, the Gatehouse. It's big, it's imposing, it's got bars so big that any five fat sods can hop between them, while holding hands. I've seen that, too... rather scarry. Mmm. So, from my nice little box, interviewing the nice little voice of the public, we present... Creation Myths: The Gatehouse.

"Oh, the Gatehouse. That's where you have to knock when you're coming through into Sigil, I remember when Aoskar had to call up. They yelled "Who goes there?" and he said "Aoskar!". So they opened the big bars, and there he went. Right in."
- Sylvia, a Signer.

"It keeps the barmies out."
- Swivelle, Gatehouse Resident.

"It keeps all those sane people in the asylum, and us nice and safe"
- Enowt, another old barmy.

"The Gatehouse, oh. That's where all of the gates live, of coarse."
- Jaimus, amateur tout, new to Sigil.

"Some cutters call it home, some cutters call it hell, some call it none, some call it all, some call it this, some call it that, *splatter*"
- A prime poet, making it up as he goes along, as he falls in an ooze puddle.

"That's where we go when we retire."
- A couple of old hecklers, sitting outside of, well, the Gatehouse.

"T+ <a haa pile of hats> W + <a wig> T + <a bale of hay> <a castle> <an olive> t + <a set of garden hoes> <a pub> + <an arrow pointing at the dabus> + s. <a scar> <a screaming lady> P + <lacy underpants>, t + <a hat>."
That's where they keep all of those barmies. A scarry place, that.
A dabus, who idintified himself as "<an oozey blob> - L"

"That's where naughty little children go! That's right, you'd better be good, you! Little Larrisa, you put that whip down, right now, or I'll send you right off with the barmies!"
- Nanny Binng, to a pluckish young tiefling.

"It is the gate and portal to the Mazes. You are the gate keeper, and I am the gatekey holder."
- N'tan, perfectly sane, who says this as he addresses a bush and holds a small apple curl.

"Er, isn't that where they serve soup, and play chaos with the mind?"
- Kulap, philosopher.


Third Hive of Nihilum

October 19th, 1999


Ooze is like molasses, it slowly, drip by drip, oh so slow, almost like the slowness of reading this, oozes to its destination. And with that in mind, we provide a wonderful story of Ooze, practically an epic of oozey proportions, a manuscript that we accidentally let get stuck to the bottom of are nice boots and just found, though were sure that just mucked the ooziness in more. The tale Of Fish, Gnomes, and Posh Clothes gives an in-depth look at the Gnome Home of Ooze, a daring grandfather and loveable child that set out to catch there dreams in the muck. It had me in tears and fits of laughter I can tell you, and that wasn't just because of the fumes from the ooze on my boots.


Third Market of Nihilum

October 16th, 1999


Barmy Spotlight of the Week

From: Factol's Manifesto, page 36.
About: An ex-factol of the Bleak Cabal, Tollysalmon, like many bleaker factols before her, is pretty much absolutely barmy. After going through the Grim Retreat she's practically the definition of barmy now, the barminess we all aspire to be. Though little is known of this githyanki knight, a few scraps of information pass out of the walls of are favorite Gatehouse. Some might even might be true, at least the parts that don't involve crazy stories like that she broke out of the Gatehouse because she had a great idea for mushroom soup. Most agree that she was indeed a proud factol of the bleakers, all cracked sanity in dark ridged plat male with lightly spiked shoulders, a mocking grin only a gith face can have, and definitely a fair site prettier then the current factol Lhars. Unfortunately, no one seems to know exactly what she did for the faction before she was committed to the Irretrievably Insane Wing. She is still remembered by every bleaker none the less, even if it's for her wild scream-like singing of old bleaknik tunes in githyanki out her barred cell and a spooky rumor of her having gained strange mental power in her barminess, and not the kind that only work on the inside of your head. There's not a single person at the Gatehouse you could ask that wouldn't say something nice about the old factol, usually along the lines "She was a real charmer, old Factol Tolly, sad to see here go, ooh, porridge!" or "I don't hav a mum, bus ifs I did I'd wanna a mum likes her. She's got psychobarmyspoon powurs!"
Barminess: She's an ex-factol of the bleakers and has gotten even barmier since then. 
Quote: "Mwhaha!! I've taken over my own mind!"
Likes: Barmy workers at the Gatehouse who are gullible and let her out to party. Laughing manically. Pretending to use frightening mental powers, or using mental powers to make people think she's using frightening mental powers.
Dislikes: Dating within the ranks, Lhars is cute enough she says but it'd never work out. Those grubby little orphans that run around the place, they should be hatched and sent to the prime like normal children.

Barmy Bonus:
Where in Sigil is Barmy Tollysalmon? A common children's word game at the Gatehouse Orphanage, it's enjoyed not only by the little tiefling kiddies but also usually by some of the more harmless barmys they let walk around the place and gardens. The game is fairly simple, as one child must describe something that Tollysalmon could do around the city with her strange mental powers, then another child must guess where in Sigil she is. The child who guesses right gets to say where she is next. Not only does the little game show the kiddies the geography of the Cage, but the Bleakers approve because it's totally pointless. To show how this barmy game works, we've compiled a few examples from a trip to the orphanage.

"Right, mister, here's how it works. <This a snotty little kid with a mean look and oversized spiral tattoo that covers more of his nose then anything else> I see Tollysalmon jumping around singing like mad, she's practically got spittle cumin out of her mouth, and she's splashing around and spraying feathers everywhere. Then she leaps off into the crowd, and starts using her oogily boogly mind control powers on some fat bloody pigeons, s'right, while they sit there are fluffed up listening to some lady singing. Where in Sigil is Barmy Tollysalmon? Bet you can't guess you... berk!"

"Your na suppose to use the naughty cant, Rojy! <This a small cute little one with a stuffed ursinal fluffy doll> An Tolly's at the Singing Fountain, I know cause I've was there. My turn! Mmm. I see the pretty Tolly all dressed up in a nice bwu dress, an, an she's dancing around outside and there's lots of jugglers and people in pretty costumes and stuff. Where in Sigil is Barmy Tolly, an, an, salmon?"

"Oooh, fish, fish! It's fish, in't Amie? <This, a small boy in the back of the room that had been introduced as "Barmy" Taummy> She's not at the Hall of Fishs! Waz, wait, mmm, she's at, mmm, Barmy Run Run?"

"Quiet Taum! It's obviously the Festhall, even a fhourge brain like yooou should know that. <This a small aasimar girl with pig-tails, named Solina>"

At this point we had to cut the game short, as Taum started gnawing on everyone's legs and the whole heap of them decided to get in a pillow fight. The feathers flew I can tell you, and getting hit by a ursinal doll hurts, ouch.


Last Week's Chant

All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.