What's all this barmy stuff?
Want to find out what has been forgotten in the Styx?
Not enough barminess for you?
Aye, cutter, I know all about the 'ol Dribble Mine, worked there didn't I? Twenty years of slugging around blasted Pandemonium, and for what? Being sent to the Gatehouse for being barmy cause one day around the camp fire I said "Aye, is jink really worth it?". You'd think they'd never heard a philosophical question before, the barmies. It's better here in my nice cell anyway, my nice quiet and dry cell, ahhh.
Character: A mining camp to the core, it's all about bloody hitting it rich. And with a barmy place like Pandemonium, especially on that dark layer Phleg, it takes an extra special metal to be worth the bloody trouble of going there. That or a barmy miner, aye?
Description: Aye, it's bloody dark, that's how to describe it. But if you want more, Dribbletunnel itself worms it's way through the layer, spanning for more then I's no how long. It's more a long gigantic cavern then a tunnel, with those bloody dripping columns of stone everywhere along it's length. What's important to the miners though, aye, is the river that drips it's way down the center of the tunnel. See, cutter, and I tell you this in bloody strict confidentiality, the rivers full to the brim of a little metal we like to call... demonium. Shush now! I know you've bloody never heard of it, but that doesn't mean no ones a watching. Demonium now, know how there's green steel and red copper or whatever, well this here metal's better then all of them combined. Aye, called the 'barmy metal', like it's name says it's good against bloody demons (It has a +3 enchantment on any of the lower planes - the Editor). Easy now, lad. That's not to say it don't have it's drawbacks! See, the metals really barmy, even the smallest pieces of this dark shiny metal jumps and dances around in your glove, and if someone'd be fool enough to make a weapon out of it, well, it'd be pretty bloody barmy, got it!! Why that bloody dagger!!!! I'll... (The rest of the ramblings here have been cut to save space. From further research I was able to find that a demonium weapon is intelligent, chaotic evil, turns the holder barmy, and has an ego rating of 13 - the Editor)
Er, thanks for the gruel. Where was I? Aye, the camp right. It's what you'd expect of a typical miner's camp, ramshackle huts and tents with a fire circle in the center. And the fire has to burn all day cause of the darkness, and all the miners wear caps with dripping candles on top. The miners, aye, they too look like you'd expect, a ragtag group of humans, tieflings, dwarves, and githzerai, all looking about the same in raggy dirty clothing and long ragged beards. They spend there nights, like everything isn't bloody night, at the camp talking and laughing, and their days slagging through the rivers waters, panning for demonium. Not that panning is easy, what with the bloody dark, maddening wind, and slippery rocks, plus the fact that the metal itself likes to hop around in the waters, your bloody lucky to get a single glint of the dark metal in your pan.
Ruler: We all called him the Water Mole (Pl / githzerai / T6 / CE), the half mad githzerai that ran the camp. No one got his real name, but the way he could slip through the tunnels with neither rock, wind, or water getting in his way, he deserved the name we called him by. Looking much like the other miners in the camp, maybe even of bit more raggedy, the stands out by the way he always seems to wear a mad grin, and the fact that three of his teeth of the dark shine of demonium. No one knows what having demonium teeth has done to him, and none of the others really wanted to find out. Though driven by a deep greed for the metal, he's still a likeable enough fellow, definitely barmy, but still cheerful towards his fellow miners.
Sites: If anyone happened to stumble on the camp, the place they'd want to visit is the old broken hut near the center of the camp, the one with the dark smoke escaping from an old pipe and up into the caverns roof. Both cantina and smithy, the place is full of forges and bellows, and a visitor is just as likely to see the forge melting a piece of metal as he is seeing it being used to simmer a mushroom omelet. The place is run by a grubby dwarf, both cook and smith, by the name of Arbuckle Dirtyknees (Pl / dwarf / F2 / CN), who's always jolly and bustling about the place yelling at his "customers". There's always a few miners sitting around among the few benches, as the smithies heat allows a quite relief to the dark wet tunnel outside. Plus, here a cutter for the right amount of jink can buy not only demonium items but water and food too. Aye, to someone stuck on pandemonium the latters more bloody important.
Current Chant: Nothing much was going on when I left, I think 'ol Lefteye has gotten swept off and young Hap had found himself a demonium nugget, gave him a right good black eye too. Bloody barmy metal. (Recent news has been slipping out about the mine, and it's being whispered that the Tanar'ri have been snooping around looking to get their hands on some demonium. There chances of getting the metal are a bit slim though, as the last party sent out got all there feet blistered by accidentally walking near a few bits of loose barmy metal - the Editor)
Barmy Spotlight of the Week
and Beyond, page 18.
With Nihilum the month of our always favorite Bleak Cabal, those bleak barmies, we have dug around in the Gatehouse (ducking the nurse), and found this very barmy spell, one of are favorites, even more then the Summon Pink Pixies one we always ask the wizards cast. Funny how they show up even when we don't ask though, but anyway, pears! Have you ever thought of what they think of the multiverse, mmm? Maybe you would like to sit down here in the cell with us and find out, yes?
The crowning achievement of the bleaker wizard Dave (no other name was ever given) before he went a bit mad, well madder then a normal bleaker, and he now resides in the mad bleaker ward room 3b. He got very powerful near the end, sometimes gibbering about finding some ultimate spell and something about it involving "tuber names", and suffice to say they have him gagged and corks on all his fingers for safety. The spell though, Dave's Pear, is now quite common among the wizards of the Bleak Cabal and quite popular among it's barmies. The spell, very simply, makes the subject (65% chance of affecting the caster instead) think he is a small, yellow-green, slightly buffeted but with a cheerful outlook on life, pear. While to an observer it simply looks like they fall to their knees and stare into space and a nagging feeling of fruit, to the subject deep philosophical thoughts enter their head, as only a cheerful pear can see the world. The spell also has the interesting affect of immediately nullifying a despair spell or a 5% chance of retreating the grim retreat by a week. The spells charm is in it's simplicity, for not only can be cast upon ones enemies (and giving them nice cheerful thoughts too), it can always be cast on ones self if ever feeling a little sad.
The material component of this spell is a small pear seed, and the caster most look at it hopefully with pouting eyebrows.
All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.