Back to
Barmy to
the Spire

What's all this barmy stuff?
About

Want to find out what has been forgotten in the Styx?
Archives

Not enough barminess for you?
Features

Barmy to the Spire

 

First Hive of Nihilum

October 5th, 1999

 

  Creation Myths:
Ooze
by Tom Bubul

On are return from the glorious Ooze, who would think the collectors with their funny coats would bother getting us there, we returned. Back in are comfy cell, we settled back in by dumping all the mementos we'd found, from the strange glob of ooze that always stays as a squishy ball and bounces all over, to the stuffed and beedy eyed eel that we caught all by ourselves. We got to thinking though, for some reason we had a lot of time to think, as we sat and curled the lovely wallpaper (with blue spirals) with are flowery scent of muck, of what the barmy Ooze's place is in the multiverse. We had to go ask everyone this, of course.

"Whawas Ooze made fow? To make lossa mudpies wiv! Now, you promisse you give me a sweety now! Give!"
- Pyuws of the Ogg, a sticky little Sigilian.

"Ooze? Whas*squish*"
- an anonymous Prime, being showed firsthand what Ooze was by the grasping of an Ooze Portal.

"*shiver* Isn't that the place with the huge boat full of gnomes?"
- On of Xanist's assistants, a tinkerphobic.

"Ehehhhehheheh! Ooooooze niiiiice!"
- An otyugh

"Oh, you mean that stuff that cutters fall in after you bonk them?"
- An Anarchist new recruit

"Where's it come from? We imagine it into existance, of coarse. *pause* Well, someone who never, ever takes showers imagined into existance, at least."
- a Signer

"S'what people leave when they go slogging through the kitchen without taking their bloody boots off, s'what it is!"
- Siobhan deDannan, mother of 19

"A nice pretty place full of nice squishy oatmeal! It's great!"
- Williem Willaemson, colourblind old sod with no sense of smell, Gatehouse cellblock 13.

"Eww, what's that?"
- Anonymous female, upon smelling a sample I'd brought back with me from my last forray.

<lamb> <whips and chains> + <a picture of Baator> - H.
"You smell."
- A dabus

"The multiverse is a giant beesting, and Ooze is just the poltice to take the sting out."
- 'Sloppy' Susanna Vim, priestess of Bwimb II.

First Clerk of Nihilum

October 4th, 1999

 

Ratings: Inhabitants of Ooze

Animental, Ooze: Ah, those loveable animals spirits who've found their way to this plane, and manifested as oozey reflections of their former selves. From dogs that druel all over to ducks consisting of acidic slime, any creature can become an animental in it's spirit life. What they think of being turned into walking piles of ooze can't be seen, but they seem to enoy swimming through the mucky waters, a seemingly rapt look on their faces. While the idea of having a little goldfish made of ooze swimming around in a cloudy bowl is defintly appealing, animentals themselves just arn't barmy enough, even when they look like walking soppy mud drenched creatures that drip all over the place C+

Eels, Maggots, and Worms:  The bulk of oozes population, and sometimes crawling over and in the rest of the population too. These creatures swim happily through the muck, just as their prime counterparts do, though there are a few giant forms of these slimy things as well. Ooze is healthy living, you know. These creatures are also valuable in that they provide the main food supply for any persons who happen to be traveling here, or more likely trapped. There's nothing in the world like a little fried eel, and even better if you jumped into the ooze to strangle the wiggly, shocking thing yourself. On the whole, they're very well suited to Ooze, and give it a nice interesting flavor. B- 

Mephit, Ooze: Mephits by themselves are quite barmy, with super inflated egos and titles that could be split for three poor tieflings and enough deeds for a whole battalion, add in ooze, and you have quite the little creature. With a hissing lisp, they tend to have a lackeys attitude, complimenting people on their insight and clothing, which usually lead to them asking for jink, but everyone likes a suck-up, eh? Scholars say that most of these mephits despise themselves, wanting to be polymorphed into any other creature, but it's very likely this is screed. For one, many ooze mephits we know who have 'found themselves' are entirely happy being made of smelly ooze, and the other fact that most scholars saying that about ooze mephits have 'Polymorph Potions - 1000 gold' signs outside, the sods. They're very barmy creatures though, and I'm not giving them a high grade just because one said this paper was 'ssssplinded'. A+

Ooze Sprite:  A marvelously misnamed creatures, the Ooze Sprites, unlike most of the other inhabitants with ooze in there name, have no parallel on the other paraplanes. Resembling piles of ooze that can shape themselves into squat looking humanoids, the sprites communicate not by speech, but by a barmy system of hand gestures and touch. I can tell you, seeing one of these guys gesturing madly at you can be quite an interesting show, especially if you bring a nice light source for shadow puppets. They do I pretty good rabbit, even if it's a bit deformed. They also have the neat trick of secreting a slime that allows them to suggest to anyone they touch, though they never do anything much interesting with it, like making someone put worms in there hair and run around with only ooze for clothing. The sprites, how we relish their name, are very barmy to say the least. A

Paraelemental, Ooze: Little more then withering tendrils of ooze, they look allot like a mass of withering brown worms, scholars have yet to detail much more about this creature. They tend to wallow around Ooze, possibly feeling sorry for themselves, and occasionally find something solid to grasp with all their slithering wormish tentacles, which they like to try the old trick of squashing it into liquid. While this could entail the paraelementals to be brilliant chemists, most of the intelligent ones of their kind would rather try and wrestle control of the plane away from, well, whoever runs it. The problem here is there just not that interesting compared to, say, any other old blob of ooze you'll find on the paraplane. C

 

First Guild of Nihilum

October 3rd, 1999

 

Continuing this weeks theme, we've scoured every inch of Ooze for any interesting things, swimming and sloshing around with our seethes until we filtered out more interesting chant. And we found some, in for the form of the barmy, and misnamed, Ooze Orcs, or as we like to call them, muckies. There barmy little things, made of ooze, as tall as a gnome, tend to run away from things, and have worms and things floating around inside them. Wonderful sounding, aren't they? And the very barmiest thing about them, they like to sing . With their gurgly voices they like to sing songs fit for a bard, and probably about oozeish sunsets or somesuch. How could you resist these cute little barmies? Be sure to lann the tarmy chant, as the saying gos, of the Muckies.

 

First Market of Nihilum

October 2nd, 1999

 

Barmy Spotlight of the Week
Bwimb II

From: The Inner Planes, page 84.
About: The Paraelemental Princess of Ooze, Bwimb II is a beautiful (at least, to one who adores ooze) archomental. Though little is known about her, she has only recently adorned the Ooze with her grace after the unfortunate demise of her father Bwimb, more chant is leaking out even now. While most rumors say that Bwimb II appears as nothing more then a patch of violet sludge, more recent sources say she is much more reformed, appearing now as, well, a small adolescent child who's had violet sludge dumped on her. Though her powers are still growing, she has most of the mass of worm-like ooze paraelementals oozing all over each other to help her, and even a few adoring worshipers. The nature of her personality is still clouded in slime, but we have it on good authority she's very barmy, actually enjoys most of the ooze jokes, and she's extremely resourceful. You have to admit, ooze is pretty darn resourceful in itself, just look at all the wonderful things it can be stretched to do - a wallowing bath, fertilizer for crops, mud pies, or just that good feeling of muddy earth between your toes. So resourceful in fact it's said that she has Juiblex, abyssal lord of oozes and jellies, slithered around her little finger.
Barminess: She's Princess of Ooze, what's more barmier then that?
Quote: "I don't care what happened to papa, I want the whole multiverse to know of my royal ooziness!"
Likes: A nice mud facial and cucumber slices. Juiblex, he's dreammmy, especially the way his greenish slimey skin glistens in the sun. Ooze, the whole sodding plane, cause it's hers.
Dislikes: People who don't take her seriously. Berks who call her Bwimbette or Bwimby, those who've dared ended up to their necks in, well, we'll leave that to the imagination. Maggots, worms, eels, or any other nasty crawly slimy things, ick.

Barmy Bonus:
Specialty Priest of Bwimb II (Worshipers of the Second Coming of Ooze)
Though few in number, these are the people that have overcome opposition and trials (I.e, actually liking ooze and resolving themselves to not having any friends) to worship her loveliness Bwimb II. A few or converts from her fathers day, but many are new fresh acned and oozy haired faces. See, all of Bwimb II's priests aren't that nicest cutters to look at, as so called 'beautiful' people wouldn't know how glorious slime and ooze is. Most of her followers are people dedicated to ooze, whether they were unlucky cutters in Sigil that slept in ooze puddles, or strange gibbering cutters from mud logged prime worlds. Now though Bwimb II has given them power (well, oozey power), funny hats (There kind of lumpy brown socks, with Bwimb II's symbol, a piece of ooze with a II in it), and a mission. She's sent them out into the multiverse to, well, tell people how wonderful she is. The fact that these cutters think dropping ooze on someone is a good theology debate isn't exactly helping her reputation.

Requirements: AB Wis 12, Chr < 12; AL any neutral; WP  net, shovel, seethe; AR leather, hide. SP Elemental (Earth/Water)*; PW 1) ooze to slime (at will) 2) breathe ooze (at will) 5) summon ooze paraelemental (1/week); TU none; LL 6; HD 1d4

 

First Lady of Nihilum, Factol's Day

October 1st, 1999

 

Gelataniaopolous
(Town, Bile Sea, Plane of Ooze)

So, you want to know about that barmy place Gelatanipopiuswhatever, and who better to tell you then I, Grundledavesnarf, glorious king of all the muck, refreshing flower smelling ooze mephit, and holder of the mythical slime of youth? It'ss a weird place, where those sssodding gelatonoussss cubes who think they're sso sssmart have set up a little city, and cleared away all the wonderful oozeyness! And when they found I was taking a tour of the city, it is mine after all, instead of throwingss me a banquet, one of the cubes absorbed me and I had to stay stuck in their for hoursss. I wasn't too upset though, it had some ooze and trinketssss in there too play with.

Character: The gelatinousss cubess claim that Ooze has given them intelligence and enlightenment to build the city (Which is true, all slime and jelly like creatures found on Ooze are more intelligent then the normal varieties - the Editor), plus a lifetimess supply of stuff to absorb. The float oozley around the city in a happy daze of ssscavenging and absorption. They live for ssssucking junk up, and aren't the brightest conversationalistss, I can tell yous.

Ruler: The ruler of the city isss a huge cube, his jelloy masssss takes up a whole room by itsself. Being the master explorer that I am, I got a peek at him in my tour, he's a bit greeny gray and hasss a masive garnished throne and shiny crown floating around inside him. And when the other barmy cubesss want to chat, they go inside him. He didn't get to entertain my illustrious presence, but gossip says he's had a bit of a ssspat with the Warlock of Ooze, and he's still trying to get a date with Bwimb II. Like that'll happensss.

Description: The city'ssss a giant box that floats in the watery acidness of the Bile See, composed of clayish ooze that's been pounded into solid blocks by the cubesss. There'sss all kindss of gates along its surface, perfectly square of course, that lead along square tubish streets that lead all over its insidess in a maze, and boxy homes and shops dot along the streets. I got lost allot. Inside the waterss a clear greenish sslime, not tingly acidic at all, with cubes large and small floating all over the place on their way about whatever it was they were doing, from big guard cubes with swords and shields inside, to even a little cube I saw with a rattle inside. Allot of the cubes had ooze and junk floating in them, having absorbed it to clear the streets and taking it elsewhere. They even tried to absorb me! There were a few other non-cubes around, but I don't know why those buggers were here, I didn't invite them (The waters cleanness is a boon to any travelers who would come to Ooze, especially natives over from the Plane of Water - the Editor).

Sites: Considering their just a bunch of semi mindlessss square blobs, the cubess have set up a lovely string of merchant ventures, if I do ssay so myself. At a boxy shop painted with "Glug and Bog's Gelatinous Traders" on the side, they were selling all kinds of ssscavenged items, from oozey liquidsss in bottles and magical itemss, to old boots and rusty hooks. And because they're not as sssmart as an ooze mephit, they're just asss likely to sell a ring of warmth for 2 shiny coins as they are to sell a pair of moldy boots for 50. I bought an old frying pan, to adorn my beautiful head.

Another ssshop I ran into, and out of, was the Lopsided Cube, a tavern with lotsss of the cubess hanging around. They were all packed so close it was hard for me to squeeze my way through. They were all drinking lots of liquidsss, all pretty colorsss and some even with fruit. I tried some, but they all where nasty to my cultivated palette. The barmy cubess think a drinks better if it looks good when ingested then how it tastesss. (Except the Lopside Special, known throughout the elemental planes as a drink to get a cutter bashed - the Editor)

Current Chant: Lotsss of my subjectssss are worried about the cubess cleaning the plane of all the glorious ooze, and some other buggers are worried about where it's going. I likesss it though, I can say I have exportsss. (The dark of it is the gelatinous cubes are sending the collected ooze somewhere, namely as fertilizer for Bytopia. It seems Mr. Slur, that ooze sprite with connections, got them a great deal with a bunch of gnomish cabbage farmers. - the Editor)

 

Last Week's Chant

All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.