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Barmy to the Spire


Third Hive of Mortis

November 19th, 1999


Barmy Spotlight of the Week
The Grixitt

From: Uncaged: Faces of Sigil, page 42.
About: Chat says there's this black clad figure that stalks the night, in search of her pray, circling it, then hitting it with a bloody big sledgehammer. That's the Grixitt, the portal breaker. Named after the infamous grixitt that set a trend of fur coats in the Lady's ward awhile back, they're basically small dark fluffy gerbil creatures from Ysgard. Any creature that can survive a place that's ground is a river though, has to be a little tough, even if it's extinct. The Grixitt though is said to be a petitioner of Ysgard, one of those deaders from a powers realm. What's she doing in Sigil giving the portals the what-for, you ask? Well, seems she's an Expansionists, or was an Expansionist maybe, or anyway, she's barmy and out to put a thorn in the Lady's side. Why she hasn't been mazed yet is still a mystery, but she'd probably find the mazes exit and destroy it with a job well done, and what's the point of mazing someone who'll enjoy it? And if she's part of the Expansionists, and each portal shrinks the number of doors in the Cage, maybe she should be expanding the doors, mmm?
Barminess: She a barmy portal-plugger named after a gerbil.
Quote: "*slam*"
Likes: Portals that are in nice crumbly doorways about to fall down, the ones we're sneezing on them will bring 'em down. Real grixitts, she wanted one when she was but a little petitioner growing up and had to do just with jamming doors, but the big bad power wouldn't let her have one of the fluffy gerbil like creatures.
Dislikes: Steel rimmed, guarded, fiend spewing out, spiky portals, it's just not worth closing one hole in reality if you risk getting yourself full of holes. Doomguard for some reason, whether the ones that will stand happily gibbering a lecture about entropy as she destroys a portal, to the ones that try and beat her at her own game.

Barmy Bonus:
The Grixitt's List
A crumpled piece of paper with a list of portals any berk would die for, the Grixitt is one of the few people in the city that take it upon themselves of knowing many of the portals of Sigil. But where the Guvner's and knights of the post want to add to their lists, the Grixitt's is filled with crossed out, scratched, and sometimes burnt marks of where her list has gotten shorter. Below is a short scribble we were able to copy from her list, she's a hard person to track down and it's bloody trouble following her around with a old ink vile and writing in the wee hours of peak, so are copy might be a bit barmy, indeed.

Brandy Street man-hole (to Carceria, gatekey 'holding your nose and looking silly'). I have seen many berks use this in the day, and have signed it's death on my list. Though I have tried many times to destroy it, it only grows larger as I break it away! Then those smug dabus come along, with a bigger manhole to place on top, a smiling Lady's face engraved on it's metal top. I plan now to go at it with the most cunning of weapons... mortar and brick.

Hive ooze portal (To Ooze, gatekey 'stepping in it'). A nuisance even to the average cutter, people have tried to bribe me to go after these things. Not just an ordinary puddle, they seem to slink along the ground and grow arms to trip you up while your trying to innocently pour quick drying sand in them. One of the suckers even pulled my scarf into it, the first portal to ever bloody fight back. I have put them on the bottom of my list, surely they work against the Lady, until I find a way to dispose of them. Until then, I've taken to throwing other portals in the things, breaking doorways and small arches and dumping them in.

Lady's Ward mansion wardrobe (To Arborea, gatekey 'a twinkling bell'). Unknown even to the snobby high-ups who make their home here, I have spied that this portal is a major route to Arborea, truly a gem to snatch away from the Lady. Though the wardrobe is simple to destroy, the two times I have snuck in at the dead of peak, a larger tiefling lady has beat me on the head with a pillow for sneaking around her clothes. Only my quick wit and fingers allowed me to escape, and I have waited on this portal until I find away pass the fearsome demon the guards it.


Third Clerk of Mortis

November 18th, 1999


Creation Myths:
The Dustmen's Symbol
by Tom Bubul

The long month of Mortis gets you thinking about death and whatnot. Well, not really, but it did get Mr. Charles Darlose thinking a bit about what in bloody hell the Dustmen's Faction logo exactly is...

"The Dustmen symbol, eh? Datsineasy one! Iz a dee-mon-ick tell-ee-foon. Daswhat Factol Skall's less-dead Dead use to call him up when e's being more dead dan dayare!"
- Alex "The Marshmallow" Gong, Inventor.

"A demonic telephone? I doubt it. It's obviously a picture of Skall's dear mum. He's said himself that he isn't truly dead, so until he is, he holds onto life with this memoir of his more, well alive, past. Rumors that it's Skall's face are obviously wrong - note the red lips. Only women liches wear that shade of pink, it stands to reason."
- Xyx Colin, Mover One

- A Plumach, drooling outside the Gatehouse

"It's Dustpeople! That is, um, I have no strong emotion about how you say it, but it's bloody dust-people, people, not dustmen, you berk! Ahem, cool, clam, yes, that's the way... Oh, the symbol? It's sign we're so bloody emotionless we can't think of decent symbol, that's what it means."
- A lady bearing the dustmen symbol, who is a bit over zealous.

"They're Skall's bloody undead eyes, unholy things, trying to claim your soul for his army of death! Fear not, my good man, for I will not allow this evil to continue! I shall slay Skall, and bring a halt to this unclean unity of death and life!"
A largish man wearing shiny new armour, riding toward the Mortuary

"I give him fifteen minutes. The symbol, m'boy? Is nothin more'n a bit o' paper maché wrapped over a bottle uvv beer, because everyone knows them Deadies like to drown their emotions out anyway posible. The pink lipstick? Er, um."
- Toothless Moreen, a beggar, outside the Gatehouse

"*wink* You know what that pink lipstick is there for."
- A tiefling with lots of spikey bits

"Factol Zkall eez a crozzz drezzzer! Factol Zkall eez a crozzz drezzzer!"
- A barmy khaasta who overheard the tiefling

"It's one of those coin banks, I always thought. You put a green in it's mouth, and the eyes light up. That's what my mum always told me, anyway. She used to also say that you can put anything in it's mouth, and the eyes light up, because death is free. So are taxes..."
- A Taker

"Watch where yez'iz going, yez bloody sod!"
- A gnome who got tripped over, while running from the Taker

The Plumach, still drooling


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All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.