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Barmy to the Spire

 

Third Void of Decadre

December 21st, 1999

 

Owner's
Manual of the Planes
Inspired by Ian Watson, written by Jeremiah Golden

We barmies always enjoy a good book, there's nothing much better to do when sitting in your nice fluffy cell and ponder barmy thoughts, and occasionally the nice nurse will take a few of us down to Kesto's Parted Veil, a place full of books written by nutty scholars and half bubbed explorers. While we usually tend to drool over the nice magical pop-up books, occasionally a barmy volume will fall into are hands (or more fall onto are heads with a bonk as Sir Cleve bumps into a shelf), and set us to giggling over what some sods will write with a quill. One such volume just recently was this, The Owner's Manual of the Planes, a tattered leafed book that was so caked in dust to make it's own elemental plane, and yellow with age like an old Ursinal's toothy grin. Opening it with a delighted anticipation, we started reading about the planes, though the thing reads like it had been converted to some barmy fiendish language and back, and the proper care for them.

Index.
1..........................................Opening Page
2-45.....................................Assemblage of Planes and Infinite Possibilities in a Box
46-100.................................Proper Care and Handling of Demonic Evil Immortal Entities.
101-141...............................Concordant Opposition Usage and Instructions
142-986...............................Important Tables to Memorize
987.......................................Populating with Mortals

Page 1. Opening Page
Congratulations on your purchase of the infinite planes and multiverse! Rated as one of the top multiversel cosmological configurations, from the fiendishness and varied temperature controls of the Nine Hells (contained in thermo packages 9a through 9i), to the strange, washable safe, and chaotic Limbo (contained in sealed box 4). And not only does it contain not 6, not 15, but 38 varied planes with bizarre drooling and super powerful creatures to boggle your mind, but also such interesting concepts such as the new, but still eternal obviously, Blood War feature and an interconnecting system of links, portals, and conduits to link the whole thing together in your own complex, fully functional, multiverse. Mortals not included, please see our mail in form on page 987.

Page 2. Assemblage of Planes and Infinite Possibilities in a Box
With these detailed instructions on the assemblage of your multiverse, you'll have your planes up whirling, whizzing, and rattling ominously in no time, that is, until you install time. With a fold-out poster of all the planes and how these infinite blocks are put together with helpful arrows and dotted lines, step by step guides that take you through everything from simply layering two layers in the Abyss to the detailed addition of physics no one could possibly understand, and detailed illustrated pictures of how your planes should look to inspire, or in the cases of the lower planes, make you cackle as you ponder the thought of your fully completed planes of torment. Not to be forgotten are our beautifully detailed heavens of the upper planes, complete with tuning fork and bell to make sure the whole setup hums with a holy ring.

Page 46. Proper Care and Handling of Demonic Evil Immortal Entities.
Included in your multiverse is a full set of fiends, four individual sets to play with as they teleport all over the place getting dizzy and trade with your friends. In sealed package A are the horrible Baatezu, please agree to the terms inside before breaking the seal, little devils that you can systematically place about the lower planes and hells, taking care to place them strategically. In the larger package B are the sneaky Tanar'ri, little demons you can just rip the bag open and sprinkle wherever you want and over your shoulder, because hey, they're chaotic. And once you've opened the other bags and properly installed everything, referring carefully to the diagrams of fiendish hierarchies and referenced tables on their strengths and other strengths, just sit back and watch as your hard earned multiverse and fiends try to rip the shreds out of each other, and anything else. Replacement fiends are no longer being produced, but can be back ordered for only a low fiendish price.

Page 101. Concordant Opposition Usage and Instructions
The concordant opposition disc is vital to the proper functioning of your multiverse, and proper care must be shown to it to keep all the planes in working order. As all the upper and lower planes attach to this disc, it's important to keep the disc properly stable, or you'd end up with fiendish planes with views and celestials complaining about the cramped neck room. This is accomplished via a special spanning spire of infinite length, which is clamped down by a special washer composed of parts S1, G1, and L. Unfortunately at this time these parts are unavailable, and so a simple rubber washer must take it's place. Finally, it's extremely important that all holes leading to other planes be capped be special gate-towns that firmly hold the other planes to the disc, but alas, these parts are also sadly still unavailable. However, while your waiting for these extra parts to arrive, the concordant opposition makes a wonderful spinning toy to delight all ages.

Page 987. Populating with Mortals
While our fully functional multiverse is guaranteed for hours of enjoyment, some owner's will find the experience even more fulfilling with are additional add-on of mortals and mortal related items. These fun creatures, whether monstrous things to fill the nooks and crannies to small pointy eared humanoids to be eaten by things in the nooks and crannies, can be placed anywhere in your multiverse, including a special sealed infinite Prime plane to stick them in when you get tired of playing with the little mortals. Please note that allowing your fiends or celestials or other multiversal entities to come in contact with mortals is not recommended and voids your warranty.

 

Third Low of Decadre

December 20th, 1999

 

Barmy Spotlight of the Week
Dead Gods

From: Guide to the Astral Plane, page 34.
About: Huge masses of rockey isle dot the Astral, created from the last thoughts and breath of a vanishing power. Or more accurately, their last sneeze. There's not many ways to kill a god, except obviously through deprivation as they dwindle away in their realms getting stir-crazy and sniffley because known needs to be smited anymore - the very lack of a balancing breakfast, vitamins, and belief. And once there worshippers have forgotten them except a post card now and then, and the other power's don't even bother to include them in a nice game of declare war on another power before tea time, when even the scholars forget to note them in their giant grimoires of statistics, then does a power drift away and become a floating husk in the Astral. But even then, a power's presence is still known, the strange isles taking forms to mirror the old thoughts of the power - a hand or celestien face jutting out, a tentacle that seems to stretch one last time in might or just the quiet round isle that looks like a little turtle when viewed from the right spot. And the isles stir, maybe only once in a millennium, but they shift and quake and stir up old memories that swarm the isle in illusions, often of remembered battles and vengeances paid, but just as often of giant dancing sprinkley fruit and winged faeries. No mortal could ever comprehend the thoughts of these dead isles, driven barmy and kept in a sleepy immortality. Plus, it'd drive anyone barmy to get their long last sleep disturbed by githyanki who want a picnic, or worse, just bought your floating husk to build a lovely summer fortress and plant petunias on.
Barminess: They're barmy isles of the Astral that finally show geographically what rattles in a powers bone-box.
Quote: Heard as a whisper on a isle, "I... am... not... dead. I am... simply showing myself in the avatar of a mighty isle with horrible sprouting houses and a thousands pebbles of doom... I'm not sleepy at all...."
Likes: When trees and fungi spread forth from their isle, just because they're dead doesn't mean they can't strive to look their best with what they have. The thought that they might rise again one day to... well, sit around in their realms and occasionally give everybody a good shake, which is entirely different from their current situation.
Dislikes: Githyanki, Athar, Godslayers, mmm, any of their old enemies they can remember, the sodding worshippers who forgot them, anyone who walks around on a nose poking out of their isle, snotty fellow powers who didn't even come to their going away party - a god has a long list of people it dislikes.

Barmy Bonus:
Astralia, the dead god isle of dreaming.
Deep in the Astral lies the isle of a dead goddess, who's name known remembers, of truly staggering proportions - an island so big as to be a very continent. Looking not that exciting for a dead god, it has a few hands here and there looking as if waving slightly and a foot that dangles idly beneath, it's most notable feature is the barmy dreams that sweep the isle. See, while the name of this power is not known, the chant says she was a power of dreaming and sleep, a power of lazy afternoons, barmies who take the nice pills like the nurse says, and of those who'd rather snore under a tree then climb it. Her avatar, though known really knows if this is screed or not, was a fluffy lamb that hopped about, and her priests spent more time in their beds then in the temples. And while this would make most cutters think that she dwindled away, the truth of the matter was she became engrossed with the barmy idea of finally being able to dream herself, to finally sleep upon the Astral. So she left her realm and traveled to the Astral, and finding a spot she fell asleep, her entire thoughts and dreams wholly composing themselves into the isle now called Astralia.

The isle is mostly know to the githyanki, who often come here trying to escape the lich queen and strangely seeking some other powerful goddess-like being to put in her place. While it's assumed most of these rogue 'yanki are found by their fellows, a few hermits managed to survive the isle - and it's dreams. The place is barmy with them, illusions of fantastical hopping creatures with pouches or swirling winds abound in the place, the power finally managing to dream the strange barmy things that would have never occurred to her until she slept.

 

Third Market of Decadre

December 16th, 1999

 

Never keep a good rock down. After getting a bit dusty, and every sod knows that rocks don't bloody like it when you mention dust, the Name a Rock feature returns with four new techniques. Name your pet rock, or something sodding silly like a character or npc, with such new things as To The Front or Slaadi Phonetics, and laugh out loud or grin madly as you manage to come up with dozens of exciting and fabulous names. No longer will you have to sit clueless for days as you try and think up a name for your rock or character, just take a portal over to these new barmy naming techniques and get started.

 

Last Week's Chant

All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.