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the Spire

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Barmy to the Spire


First Void of Capricious

December 28th, 1999


Faces of Barmies V

Nothing is quite as barmy as a portrait from a Xaositect, so we gave them some finger paint to keep them busy and sketched these drawings our barmy selves.

Faces of Barmies can be used both by DMs for NPC concepts, or by players as new characters. The pictures above link to larger for-print versions, and can be used freely for personal use. Drawn by Vicki Hood, Tom Bubul, and Jeremiah Golden.

"Sar" Devaden Chasm (upper left) (Pr / Human / Pl 6 /  LG) A prime from some crystal sphere or another, no one knows which one but he does scream about blasted gnomes in his sleep, Devaden ended up on the planes in very bizarre circumstances - no google-eyed fiends, no occult gateways, no amusing slipping on a banana and falling into a portal - nope, he just walked there. At least that's how he tells it. And so he came to Sigil, walked he says right into town, and came upon a group of knights he saw as a disgrace to all knights and holy orders everywhere, and if their god, Post, wasn't going to do anything about it, he was. And so the Knights of the Post in the cage - thieves, spivs, and conny-catchers all - found themselves being turned into a rag bag of knights by the charismatic, and quite barmy prime. He made them shave off their spiny haired chins and wash off their tattoos, he made them wear nice shiny spiky mail suits with an engraved post on the front, and most of all he made them salute and call him "Yes, Sar!" So, the only question now is, somewhere on the planes, does a gnarled and old post rise, a barmy god born of belief?

Elizinda (upper center) (Pl / Ghaele Eladrin / F4 / Xaositects / CG ) A serious Xaositect, if there is such a thing, she joined the ranks after many years fighting Evil in the name of Good, because Evil is Bad, and Good is Up. She went a bit barmy though after a fiend finally skewed her the wrong way - a grinning tanar'ri merchant sold her an "amusing toy device to delight all ages" that about put her bloody eye out. Since then Elizinda has joined the Xaositects, shuffled into the position of 'Big Bossette', and is trying to build to chaosmen into a house of cards, wait, no, after they all fell down from that idea, she decided to bring the Xaositects philosophy back home to Arborea, at least the fluffy, bizarre, artistic side of the faction, as she bangs the head of anyone who even suggests starting a riot for fun. She'll wear a veil of a straight face and furrowed eyes, even as she idly places green fluff in a berks hair and paints a blue mustache on his face. Once she finally brings the joy of fluff, innocence, and shiny chaos to the upper planes, she plans on heading down to the lower planes and spreading some fluff there too, to make the whole multiverse nice and chaotically fluffy.

The Named One (upper right) (Pl / Cambion / B2 / Xaositects / CE) Originally a small, whimpering, and very sneaky cambion that was born on the Gray Waste, he was taken in by a friendly old Night Hag. There, he grew up and learned to sing, with such favorites as "Oi 'aint a Bloody Sloibbering Fiend, Oh Oi 'aint a Bloody Sloibering Fiend" and "Niwty Aight Re' and Blu' Slaahd 'at 'ta Door". However he once tried to charm a succumbus and an erinyes with his beautiful voice at the same time, and needless to say when the two fiends learned about it they put aside their lawful and chaotic tendencies and both got together to do evil things to him. Fleeing to Sigil with nothing but a pet larvae for a friend and squishy pillow, he did everything he could to forget his past, from gulping styx water, holy dunking on a festival day, and just beating his head against the wall. Thus, this is how he came to join the Xaositects, where he hit on the brilliant idea of going around and asking people "Whats' moi bloody name, 'utter?" until he got a new one for that day, or hour before peak, or until he got bored. So far he's been "Sod" six hundred and fourty three times. 

Zauts (lower left) (Pl / Boggle / Xaositects / CN ) A Limboian Boggle, not much is known about this little critter besides the fact that his ansectory dates back to the prime, before whatever created him decided that Limbo was the place to be. Growing up on Limbo, and the few encounters with hungry slaad that ate him and then boggled as their tummies got bigger as the little critter expanded larger and larger, he was always known as a good person to hang around, what with all the slaadi confetti bits swarming around. When he grew up, well, when he got old enough, he was allowed to tumble off too the big Cage, and see what he could make of himself. Now, through amazing circumstances that involve a bottle, three sticky 'leths, and a bumper shoot, he's the official unofficial part-time bodyguard of Factol Karan. Throwing himself into danger at the slightest whim, he has puffed himself as an airbag to stop a pony cab that was about to slide into the beloved factol, and that famous picture of Karan jumping out a window, yup, it was a stretched Zaut that he bounced off of. 

Princcss As'dif Hijinkle (lower center) (Pl / Gray Slaad / Xaositects / CN) As'dify's story is one of tragedy, love, and drama... wait, no, sorry, it's a simply a spiffy, silly, slaad story. Beginning to learn the arts of magic, As'dif set about playing with mortals via the normal wicked witch showing up and casting a spell while the kiddies gawk in horror, she even invested in a nice wig and a stick on wart for her lovely froggish snout. Hopping up and down with excitement as she cast a curse to curl even a jester's toes, she zapped away wildly with zooms, and bangs, a flashing blinking sparkle dust all over the place. Unfortunately the spell hopped, bounced, and rebounded even more then the springy slaadi, and the spell came back to works its affects on her. So now, bizarrely, whenever the slaad gets kissed, she turns into a princess, right down to the royal gown of a rainbow of tied-died colors to the crown of blades and occasionally fish. While she's always happier bouncing around as a lovely giant paramortal frog, she's a Xaositect by heart, and so spends her cursed time as a princess by hanging around Xaos, where she's the ruling monarch on hive days and anytime something turns indigo.

Cleyo (lower right) (Pl / Medusa / Xaositects / N) Cleyo is a little Medusa child born on the Waste and shipped to Sigil to be the apprentice to a homemaker in a house of Xaositects. Her definition of "clean" could best be translated as "stationary" - packs of cranium rats invading the little girl's territory to cause trouble at tea parties and such have been cleaned up without more than a quirked eyelid, and a stoney gaze. A quiet little girl given over to fits of the giggles, when Cleyo isn't cleaning up after her rather dirty masters, she can be found in her room with her little violin - playing for the appreciation of her constantly dancing snakes. With attitudes completely of their own, visitors to the household are often told not to pet or feed them, lest they deal with whatever the bizarre concequences might be.


First Guild of Capricious

December 24th, 1999


As the snows covered the Hive, the philosophical winter making sods more likely to share a warm blanket then argue the point of existence, in a ramshackle place just past the Gatehouse, sit and write, their ink frozen and warmed by an old candle, the members of the Barmy Shorts Company. And though the ice falls outside, they've come forth with a tale to delight even the bleakest of barmies or crossed xaositect. Take a gander then as you curl up for this winter at the Xaos Jingle.


First Market of Capricious

December 23rd, 1999


What this? What happened to the last week of Decadre? Well cutter, looks like the Doomguard's month got cut short, how fitting, as the ever chaotic month of the Xaosmen moves in. Bizarre eh? That's the way they like it. We barmies just shrug and grin madly, it's only so often when a sodding silly month like this comes around. And surprise, surprise, the new month rolls in with another batch, deep fried, of the Stuffed Slaadi newsrag.

t truly told, those are all unreliable, and whats more, truly define boring. So where does a barmy like me turn for his news? Why, the Stuffed Slaadi of course, the only paper straight out of Xaos, the gatetown that is. Written out whatever the residents decide to put it on, once even tattooing it on the back of a bariaur, and on a precise time table of whenever they fill like putting out an issue.

Issue 20 of the Year
Someone got Ate by a Blue Slaad

Xaos slides, sign of the end of the multiverse. After a pleasing three weeks of a nice normalness about the chaotic gatetown Xaos, that is to say everything turned fluffy instead of to scalding acid, a noticeable shift began in the city, sending all the locals to climbing trees as the place rattled to a stand still. Nothing changed, nothing moved, it was as quite as a normal town, and even some vain attempts from people around to stand on their heads or talk to chickens didn't help the normal unsettling stagnation. And what was truly spooky was that the town was sliding away from Limbo, the spire ominously getting larger and larger in the Sky. The thing loomed above, it's donut on top casting a shadow over all of Xaos, with me standing in the bloody center of it all. And then I realized the sodding giant turtle I was riding had actually accidentally rode out of town.
- Xüller Fwou

Barmies, a Xaositect's Testimoney. Bob. Frighten me, barmies do. We may be weird, and chaotic, and strange, and spontaneous, and like to do a different thing like, ooh, but we're not insane. And there no fun, if I was to go up to a
(cont' on upper-upper-right)

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barmy and call him a chicken while I had my face painted blue, he'd just grin and agree as he sat there being insane, or depressed. I will not eat soup with a barmy, what's the point? Wait, wait, wait, chaos is the point, so barmies must be chaotic, but no, they're just insane. And what really unnerves me is being chaotic around them doesn't work, because they expect everything to be strange and whirling around! When one looks at me I cringe, nothing I do, do, do will be chaotic, it'll just be normal to them. Erk, bob.
- Yks Pie, the scrambled.

Dear Slaadi, are there any good eateries in Xaos?

Yes, Karan's, a restaurant in Xaos that sells all manner of food in a You Squish It You Eat It Environment on Tuesdays beginning with blue. Family friendly and angry at distant cousins, Karan's, named for some guy, has been a very well established establishment establishing good tastes in all of Oaxs's fine citizens since last Tuesday, which was purple, and on good terms with your distant cousin.
- "1 after anti-peak" To'bug, Blue Slaad, Assistant-Editor

Faction Tastes, an old, new, true column, returns to take a look at factions views on important topics... no, we're kidding, it's how they taste to a slaadi's pallet!

Doomguard - With a sprinkle of entropy, it's best to gobble them down when there taking a bath, or you get to much iron in your diet.

Free League - Best as a single dish, be sure to buy some potatoes and radishes off him first, so as to add a nice garnish as he goes down.



Last Week's Chant

All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.