[The following parody makes a bit more sense if you read this Faxtions
article that was in the April addition of Dragon Magazine]
The Start: A Barmy
The Faxtion War starts with a barmy, as many wars do. He had a pretty gem,
and had very little to do with the start of the war, but there has to be a barmy in here
He lived in a cell in the Asylum, clothed in rags and ate the nourishing
gruel the bleakers fed him. It was a happy, though boring life, and he was quite, quite
mad, giggling at random moments, and talking about faxtions. He said the pretty stone told
him all about the war, as its pale light in an array of colors played upon his maniacally
He said they would see, they would see. He never got the chance to gloat
though, as he escaped the Asylum shortly before, and ended up on the Outlands after a
quick jump off Suicide Alley.
I still have that pretty sensate stone buried here somewhere...
The Faxtions: Before and
The Beatification League
The Decorators fair well throughout the war, only sustaining a few loses in
members, mostly those going around saying the ravaged war looks isn't in, and then trying
to fix it. Their faxtol however, Dionystan, is shortly mazed after the war starts, and the
Lady's mazes become that much more colorful, coordinated, and frilly. After the war they
shrug off their faction status and all become fashion decorators, shortly overcoming the
Merkhants in shear amount of jink.
The Free Flora Collective
The Veggies are devastated from the war, mostly by being eaten. There Faxtol, Rose
Amaryllis is pruned by a gardening assassin of the Herbivorous Assembly on day ten of the
war. The Veggies, seeking a new faxtol, stumble upon Patch, the intelligent razorvine, and
quickly raise him to faxtol status, making Ylem's tower their new headquarters, and
abandoning their gardens to be run by umber hulks. Razorvine all over the city rises up to
take part in the war. Afterward, the few remaining members disband, taking up root outside
The Herbivorous Assembly
Faxtol Du'liddel is killed in a freak accident involving an aardvark, having nothing to do
with the war. To fill this gap, they promote a cager pony, Nickle Ed, as their new faxtol,
and with this move their numbers swell and they vow to exterminate the Free Flora
Collective. They eventually win over the Veggies, but most of the members leave Sigil
because there's nothing left to eat, and most take up farming on various planes, leading
to the great cow expansion. Near the end of the war faxtol Nickle Ed is mazed, finishing
off his career in the deep ethereal by being eaten by an Xill.
The Wizards of the Black Teddy
The declare war on the Lady, after politely sending a delegation asking her to wear
something a bit more exciting, which eventually come back, in pieces. They set about
disposing her, starting with Faxtol Elle McFearsome herself charming Duke Darkwood, and
convincing him to 'get rid of the floozy mercykiller girl'. They then convince both the
Free Flora Collective and Herbivorous Assembly to go to war, by way of a stick of celery
stuck to a door with a dagger. There plot eventually fails however, as they all leave
Sigil after hearing about a leather sale in tradegate at eighty percent off.
The Apathetic Alliance
Fare well throughout the war, largely by ignoring it. There are a few notable occasions
when its members were used as shields or ladders by the other faxtions, but on the whole
the Apathetics just stood around in coffee houses ignoring the fire and riots outside.
Though they have no faxtol, none the less, their favorite cappuccino machine is mazed on
day fourteen of the war. This causes a slight stir, and the faxtion splits up into the
Pathetics, who stand around but eventually die out do to withdrawal of coffee, and the
Scions of Coffee, who eventually leave Sigil to start coffee bean plantations, and vow to
get the cappuccino machine back.
The War: A Timeline
Nothing much happens, though the Beautification League does manage to dress every
gnome and halfling in the city in small green costumes.
Faxtol Dionystan is mazed, after talk about colorful houses and 'Wicked Witch of Pain'
The Wizards of the Black Teddy after a recent report of the Lady showing up too
much in person, and always in the same drabby outfit, decide to send a delegation to ask
her not to.
A pair of dabus returns the delegation party's parts, with a polite picture of falling
snow, minus an S and plus a few exclamation points.
Duke Darkwood finds a gem to his path to power, but after some conversations with
Faxtol Elle McFearsome of the Black Teddys, he has it split and polished into a banded
A barmy escapes the Asylum, making his way to Suicide Alley.
A piece of celery is nailed to the door of the City Gardens, offending both the
Beautification league, for its bad placement and color, and the Free Flora Collective, who
use the excuse to declare war on the Herbivorous academy. No comment is made of the black
leather pommel of the dagger.
A Group called the Qabong arises from the shadows, saying its all the Wizards fault.
Faxtol Rose is clipped into kindling by a Herbivorous Assassin, claiming she was
actually a petunia of the Lady. The Assassin is led off to the gatehouse, to a luckily
newly emptyed cell.
The Faxtols Manifeasto turns out to have been written by a slaad pretending to be a
rilmani pretending to be a 'loth pretending to be a human, namely Xanxost, who swears he
was only trying to make a cookbook.
The Free Flora Collective learn of Patch, raising him as their new Faxtol. They take over
Ylem's tower, throwing the poor modron onto the street, and using the place as their new
headquarters. The place is shortly besieged by the the Herbivorous Academy.
The Apathetics cappuccino machine is mazed, and the try to convert a modron they
found in the streets to replace it, but fail. The faxtion begins to break up, at least, a
Faxtol Elle McFearsome accidentally loses her new ring in a gutter.
Faxtol Du'liddel is killed in a freak accident involving an aardvark. Seems some
xaositects had raided a small pet shop and thought the faxtol would like the present and
thought dropping it would be a good surprise. The Herbivorous are distraught, and go about
asking any available animal what they think about the war, including a bruised aardvark.
Nickle Ed, a cager pony, is raised as Faxtol of the Herbivorous academy after
biting a few passing by, but potential enemies, of the faxtion. His first move, nibbling
on some nearby razorvine, sets the faxtion out to totally destroy the Free Flora
The Free Flora Collective and Beatification League allie, catering some of the
best looking desserts in Ylem's Tower.
The Scions of Coffee attack the Foundry, trying to use the Ethereal portal there too gain
access to there missing mazed cappuccino machine.
Faxtol Nickle Ed is mazed, though by this time most of the Herbivorous Academy
members have given up on him after he nibbled on one of their fallen enemies, especially
since it was a dustman.
Day 33 1/2
The Lady closes all the portals in the city, placing such signs as "Out to
Lunch" and "Sorry for the Inconvenience" on them. Gatekeys everywhere get a
vacation. Shortly after the portal closure is noticed, a merkhant pass booth appears on
Suicide Alley, charging 50 jinx a person.
Rioting erupts in the Cage, and people try and survive off of Sigils native food,
razorvine and rats, unfortunately most of it is fighting back. In a quick thinking move,
the Herbivorous Academy siegeing Ylem's Tower puts up a sign, "Ylem's Peak
Grocery", and the rampaging rioters eat up the rest of the Free Flora League within.
A Knight of the Post sells a "Sigil Spell", limited edition, to a group
of clueless, saying one word to change Sigil. The word they said is unknown, but all the
Wizards of the Black Teddy disappeared at the same time, along with the clueless group.
Some say they later saw the group and Wizards arm in arm at a Tradegate festival, but
reports are unconfirmed.
The portals reopen, most of Sigils visiting population leaving through them. The
war comes to a slow glide, The food source of the Free Flora Collective having run out,
and no one left to push anyone into fighting. The Cagers go back to there daily lives,
bobbing the clueless.
The End: Her Serenity,
The Lady of Puns
The crowds of Sigil gather outside the Prison, the dark tower of the wyrm
casting shadows over them. In the center of the street floats the Lady herself, silent and
regal, her eyes not even touching the crowd. Around her in a circle float five dabus,
glancing sternly at the crowd and holding assorted tools of construction. The people
gibber among themselves, but quite sweeps the crowd as symbols appear over one of the
A flickering picture of the lady's head appears...
The picture disappears, and is replaced by a a small picture of a
bordering wall, a dash, and a small bee.
Whispering starts among the crowd, "... is gonna maze us all?... Hey
I'm allergic to bees!.... Maybe she wants us to build a brick wall, um, out of
The pictures fade out, and a small picture of a sheep appears.
"... wants a sheep?... I'm allergic to fleece! ... Hey, maybe its
that golden one the Greeks have?... Wait, wait, isn't that a ewe? Looks like a ewe to
The sheep disappears, and is replaced by two pillars.
"... wants some pillars?... represents caterpillars maybe?... Why'd
she want two of them though?.."
The pillars disappear, and a large grouping of pictures replace them: A
stack of straw, a cross, a group playing instruments, another cross, and a large looking
"... What's all the gibberish?... wants us to put a band on some hay
and smash them with a weight and have all that banished by some priests?... I'm allergic
to hay... Wait, wait, haybandton maybe? She off her rocker?"
The picture disappear in a misty blue, and is replaced by a large ball, a
dash, and another bee.
"... again with the bees!... I know a sod who'd give us a real deal
on some honey... Mommy! That's my ball! That floaty goat stole my ball!...."
The pictures once again fade away, and a mound of coal, a cross, and a
pair of oars appears above the dabus head.
"...coal? Maybe she wants us to barbecue? Hmm, oars, fish barbecue
maybe?... allergic to fish..."
With that final picture, the Lady and her escorts glide out of the square,
disappearing from view, a slight reflection coming from her hand as she leaves.
"... er wait, wait, I think I've worked out what she said, she said
we must abandon all colors!", with this statement, a vast number of Decorators in the
"... Yes, but what's that sodding mean? Abandon are colors? She wants
us to give up painting buildings or something?..."
"... No, no, I'm quite sure she means..."
"Pike it berk! She's obviously saying that the Wizards of the Black
Teddy win the war, you know, abandon all your colors and wear black...."
"... What? You mean like those sodding Apathetics? I'm not going to
dress like that..."
".... No! you berks, she ment you must abandon your faxtion
"... what now, you mean those dangly scarf things those Sensates
think are the latest style?"
"... No you bloody clueless berks! The Lady says you all have to give
up your faxtions!"
"... Ah, your positive she doesn't want us to change are clothing
style? You do have to admit it was getting a bit drab around here..."
And so eventually the point was gotten across, and the Faxtions leave
Sigil or disband. There is also quite a clothing change in Sigil, which leads to a few
extra mazings even after the war, some styles should just not be shown in public.
Tim Beach, who wrote the Faxtion article in Dragon magazine
Tom Bubul, for critiquing the idea
Jonathan Weidert for supplying info from FW (which I didn't buy :))
My 'loth therapist, for helping me through my difficult time after using evil red on my web site
All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.